I am wearing all black today. Very slimming. It takes at least 6 pounds off. I went to a wedding last Friday, and I asked a stranger in the bathroom if she thought I was showing… “just a bit” she said. I look pretty much the same as when I was pregnant with Scarlet ( I think.) My tummy gets huge! Scarlet looked at it bare the other day and giggled! Next time I am wearing all black I'll have Robbie snap a photo....
30 weeks and all is well! I measured about 2 cm at the Dr. today. I'm glad she didn't take out the tape measure and measure her finger afterward like last week. Hurl. The baby is still breech, and the heartbeat was 144. I admitted that I am not on as strict of bed rest as I used to be, and my Dr. told me to get back to it. She said "I want 6 more weeks," and I know I can make it. Nothing has ever been more important, so I've got to amp up my laziness.
This week has been out-of-control gloomy - windy, rainy, nasty. There were flurries this morning but I secretly loved it because... that means we are nearly in the season when the babe will be birthed!! I have been passing the time by making hair clips and watching horror movies. This afternoon is Halloween II. I finished a great book by Jodi Picoult called "House Rules." It's about a boy with Asperger's...I laughed out loud a few times at the boy's sarcasm and tendency to take things people say extremely literally. I have quite a few books to choose from next, but I must finish the 3rd Dragon Tattoo book ("The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest") before the baby arrives, or I'll never read it.
Today I am thankful for a nice warm house and roof over my head, my nose to nose "good morning" with Scarlet, my neighbors - Sean & Amy - for taking Scarlet on a Halloween outing last night, my single serve blender for smoothies, The Avett Brothers, heated seats in the landrover, a nice chat with my mom, and a super hard laugh at Scarlet's impression of the wind last night...spectacular.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
— Mary Oliver
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
perspective
I've been thinking about the quote in my last entry, and have really been trying hard to enforce that mentality. I have to remember that life, although boring or challenging... is happening on bed rest. Life will not just start up again once I have the baby, or I can have a glass of wine, or next summer, when the baby is 6 months. Whether I like it or not the minutes continue to tick away... minutes of my 34th year, and minutes of Scarlet's 3rd year. At the beginning of bed rest I was so scared that I was not going to be able to witness Scarlet's life during this time...that I would miss out on so much, and all the pictures I took would have my bedroom as the same mundane background. But lucky for me I have spent so much time with my darling girl and have been able to play outside the confines of my bedroom...
I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.
Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.
I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan
I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.
Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.
I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
third trimester!
omg, I cannot believe I am 28 weeks! Yay for me and my incompetent cervix and scar free uterus. My cervix measured 3.1 cm today. Go kitty... go kitty. I knew I could do better than last week. The baby is 2 lbs, 12 oz, and today was our last ultrasound! It's hard to believe normal people usually only have one ultrasound @ 20 weeks. I feel like I could work the machine myself.
I have had 2 good boy dreams. In the first the nurses put the most darling baby boy by my side (he was like 8 months old) but he was so perfect, with blond curls and scrumptious skin. The second dream was my grandma Marie - who passed away in 2003 - putting her hands on my stomach and saying "boy."
So...8 weeks left of bed rest. Holy shiatsu. I always think that the anticipation of things is worse than the actual moments of living through them. Lately I have been getting a bit nervous for that newborn stage, and the worrying... (and tax season.) But I deal with things better when they are finally just HERE because then you just have to plow through (you have no choice) instead of anticipating the worst. Obvious, yes. I guess when you have a lot of time to think you have a lot of time to worry...
Today I am thankful for the beautiful fall weather, the orange tree outside my window, my amazing husband who is so stressed out but still takes time off to come to the doctor with me, my crazy daughter who melts my heart every morning and night, my friends who come visit and bring me food and advice on my house, a day without hearing the damn dog next door, a shirt on the guy walking his dogs, peanut butter cup ice cream, the return of my sisters cat Oreo, NoDak sunflower pics from Casey J, and the blessing of spending this intimate time with the precious little gift I am carrying...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-Fr. Alfred D'Souza
I have had 2 good boy dreams. In the first the nurses put the most darling baby boy by my side (he was like 8 months old) but he was so perfect, with blond curls and scrumptious skin. The second dream was my grandma Marie - who passed away in 2003 - putting her hands on my stomach and saying "boy."
So...8 weeks left of bed rest. Holy shiatsu. I always think that the anticipation of things is worse than the actual moments of living through them. Lately I have been getting a bit nervous for that newborn stage, and the worrying... (and tax season.) But I deal with things better when they are finally just HERE because then you just have to plow through (you have no choice) instead of anticipating the worst. Obvious, yes. I guess when you have a lot of time to think you have a lot of time to worry...
Today I am thankful for the beautiful fall weather, the orange tree outside my window, my amazing husband who is so stressed out but still takes time off to come to the doctor with me, my crazy daughter who melts my heart every morning and night, my friends who come visit and bring me food and advice on my house, a day without hearing the damn dog next door, a shirt on the guy walking his dogs, peanut butter cup ice cream, the return of my sisters cat Oreo, NoDak sunflower pics from Casey J, and the blessing of spending this intimate time with the precious little gift I am carrying...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-Fr. Alfred D'Souza
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
newborn training
holy %&*#
Poor Scarlet has a fever and was up ALL NIGHT. Poor thing was miserable and medicine helped a little, but it didn't really take her fever down much. Then she started throwing up. I woke up in a daze over and over and thought - wow, this will be my new life in January! Scarlet is feeling a little better today and hasn't thrown up since early this morning. Needless to say, she has watched a little tv today.
My 27 week appt went well. I was measuring 2.8 cm and had some funneling (funneling last week too.) In case you forgot what funneling is, it represents "the dilation of the internal part of the cervical canal and reduction of the cervical length." Here is an example off the internet. (not my cervix!) The baby is on the left, the cervix length is the dotted line in the middle, and the funneling is the black triangular shape in between. This cervical length is very short...less than 1 cm. Mine is much longer!
My doctor said yes, the length is shorter than last week but I am 27 weeks (and shortening is normal now) and so..... she didn't seem at all worried. I am definitely going to take it easier this week though, so don't you worry. Next week I start my 3rd trimester. I simply cannot believe it!
"Thank you Jesus for my cute little baby."
Scarlet Katherine McKay
Poor Scarlet has a fever and was up ALL NIGHT. Poor thing was miserable and medicine helped a little, but it didn't really take her fever down much. Then she started throwing up. I woke up in a daze over and over and thought - wow, this will be my new life in January! Scarlet is feeling a little better today and hasn't thrown up since early this morning. Needless to say, she has watched a little tv today.
My 27 week appt went well. I was measuring 2.8 cm and had some funneling (funneling last week too.) In case you forgot what funneling is, it represents "the dilation of the internal part of the cervical canal and reduction of the cervical length." Here is an example off the internet. (not my cervix!) The baby is on the left, the cervix length is the dotted line in the middle, and the funneling is the black triangular shape in between. This cervical length is very short...less than 1 cm. Mine is much longer!
My doctor said yes, the length is shorter than last week but I am 27 weeks (and shortening is normal now) and so..... she didn't seem at all worried. I am definitely going to take it easier this week though, so don't you worry. Next week I start my 3rd trimester. I simply cannot believe it!
"Thank you Jesus for my cute little baby."
Scarlet Katherine McKay
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