I heard “Silent Night” today and burst into tears. I have never in my whole entire life wanted the holiday season upon me more than I want it this year. I can’t wait for the leaves to change color… I can’t wait to wear my sumo wrestler costume…I can’t wait for the snow. Not only to be done with bed rest, but to have a healthy baby. To have that part over with – the labor part - and hope that I can give birth and keep my uterus intact, and be on to the part where I am up all night, exhausted, overwhelmed, cursing breastfeeding, but looking at our precious baby.
Christmas 2008, as I put away our Christmas decorations and stockings, I prayed that I would be pregnant or have a baby the next Christmas. Christmas 2009 came and I bought an ornament to keep me going… a symbol in place of the baby that I didn’t have… because I did have something else. I had HOPE. Something about that ornament gave me strength, and although I cried because there were still only 3 stockings, I tried hard to have faith that the 4th would arrive… someday.
I can’t wait to hear the car door slam tonight and have Scarlet run into my room and tell me all about her day… it is surely the best part of mine.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Henry Ellis
