I've been thinking about the quote in my last entry, and have really been trying hard to enforce that mentality. I have to remember that life, although boring or challenging... is happening on bed rest. Life will not just start up again once I have the baby, or I can have a glass of wine, or next summer, when the baby is 6 months. Whether I like it or not the minutes continue to tick away... minutes of my 34th year, and minutes of Scarlet's 3rd year. At the beginning of bed rest I was so scared that I was not going to be able to witness Scarlet's life during this time...that I would miss out on so much, and all the pictures I took would have my bedroom as the same mundane background. But lucky for me I have spent so much time with my darling girl and have been able to play outside the confines of my bedroom...
I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.
Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.
I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan
