I got out of the shower the other day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror… and I am getting kankles. My body is swelling and heavy… and there is some pressure that makes me feel as if I’ve been horse back riding. I’m writing this because as I finished my last post – I thought – I hope I’m not totally fooling these people… into thinking that my life is blissful and worry free. The truth is that sometimes I hurt, I cry, I feel fat, I feel useless, I am terrified, I have ridiculous anxiety, I think about death and loss more than I should, and some days I am sad for no reason.
My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.
But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.
I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.
So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”
Kahlil Gibran
