ray of light

I got out of the shower the other day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror… and I am getting kankles. My body is swelling and heavy… and there is some pressure that makes me feel as if I’ve been horse back riding. I’m writing this because as I finished my last post – I thought – I hope I’m not totally fooling these people… into thinking that my life is blissful and worry free. The truth is that sometimes I hurt, I cry, I feel fat, I feel useless, I am terrified, I have ridiculous anxiety, I think about death and loss more than I should, and some days I am sad for no reason.

My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.

But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.

I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.

So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo

“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”

Kahlil Gibran

the luckiest

I looked through Scarlet's baby pictures last night...and I can't wait to see Robbie become a dad again. He is the best - amazing and patient, SO KIND, and good. Scarlet is head over heels for him, and I know every reason why...thank you for carrying the load, my sweetheart. Thank you for everything you do, for all that you simply are. You are my constant companion, my best friend, my soul mate, and my rock.

I had a girl dream last night. It was crazy. Robbie and I were in some deserted end of a hospital all night by ourselves. Somehow I was able to check myself and I was dilated 7.5 cm. Robbie left the room to find someone, and the baby just came out!!! I saw a hand and an arm and I pulled and the baby came out!!! We called 911 and tried to get help but it took so long and I was so scared the baby would not make it … but she did. A girl. And we took her to meet my family… looking like a one year old with long hair – a Scarlet look a like, and my brother kept calling her the wrong name on purpose. Typical.

Truthfully, I have no real feelings one way or the other about the gender of this baby...I'm so glad we didn't find out. It is so exciting! My doctor appt went great yesterday. Not to toot my own uterus, but my Dr. kept saying how pleased she was with everything. She said she's not worried about me making it anymore... to 36 weeks (she did not take me off "bed rest,") but now she is just thinking about the delivery. I told her how I feel so lucky... to be a woman, and to be able to have this amazing experience. Sure I could complain about a lot of things that go along with pregnancy and all the surgeries, drugs, bed rest, and uterine balloon!! But I wouldn't trade it for anything... It's an honor to be able to carry a child in your womb. How utterly amazing.

Oprah's show yesterday was "do you believe in miracles?" about "John of God" - a spiritual and physical healer in Brazil. Here's the link if you want to check it out...

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Do-You-Believe-in-Miracles_1/1

I'm so intrigued by all that stuff, but I'm not sure what I think of John of God. But - my quote below is from a psychiatrist that went to go see John of God, as a skeptic, and says he still doesn't know what to believe. The one thing he says he has taken away from his experience is that nothing is as it appears to be. I thought this quote of his was very powerful...

"Perhaps the real heart within us is not just a pump. Perhaps the real heart within us is about love and faith. Perhaps the physical body is not who we really are. Perhaps we are these invisible souls walking around, and the body is just an instrument or metaphor for something we are trying to learn."

Dr. Rediger

first snowfall

When I was younger I used to tell my dad that I wanted to move to one of the Carolina's because it's warmer there... I'm not sure why I picked those states - I still have never been to either one. I always say I'm a poor excuse for a native North Dakotan because I get so miserable in the cold. I really cannot tolerate it. My college GPA suffered a bit because of it. I think I've gotten a little better/less wimpy since moving to MN in 2005.

So normally I might not be so excited at the presence of winter, and cold, and snow. But today... today is amazing. The first snowfall is so beautiful, and so momentous. I was up in the middle of the night and saw the snow...I was as giddy as a child. This morning I lay snuggling with Scarlet, looking out the window at the falling snow, and feeling our baby kick. It was so much goodness wrapped into one moment. I savored it. I have been waiting for this day... for the snow... because now we are in the season that the baby will be born.

We are really kicking it into high gear with baby preparations. Today Robbie is painting our bedroom... we are staying in it, but it needs an update. And after all the bed rest and countless hours spent in there, I need a new version for this new chapter. We've moved Scarlet's bedroom upstairs which has been a big change for her, but she is doing so well! Some nights the only thing that keeps her up there are her princess and tinkerbell nightlights, but hey - whatever works. We are really proud of her.

I get a little emotional moving our new baby into Scarlet's old room... because Scarlet has been my lifeline for so long. She is still my baby, and now a new little lovebug is taking her room. Today Robbie and I agreed - how will we ever love this new baby as much as we love Scarlet? I mean, how is it possible? It's so overwhelmingly sweet thinking about generating that much more love for another person... when I feel like I am already bursting at the seams.

“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”

Horace

bed rest day 98

I am 32 weeks pregnant!! I am loving the baby turning and kicking about in me... I am really relishing this time... this amazing opportunity to carry a baby. My cervix was still closed at my appt yesterday and everything is great. She didn't give me a cervix measurement, but it was good enough not to comment. My doctor thinks the baby is head down which I am really happy about...it makes sense that when I feel hiccups (about 4 times a day) they are really low.

I asked her again to walk me through what happens if I hemorrhage during labor... I am not totally freaking out about it, but I want to be prepared, not surprised, if it does happen.

*** breaking news - "3 Little Birds" by Bob Marley has just come on the Current (radio station.) I will take this as positive energy coming to me as I am writing about the possibility of a postpartum hemorrhage! .... please see "3 Little Birds" previous post for reference!***

So, the plan is that after I birth a chubby little baby, and the placenta too, I will get a few drugs for "prevention and control of postpartum hemorrhage." If this does not control bleeding, I will go to surgery, where I am put under. She will then put dissolvable sutures in my uterus to hold it together. If this does not control the bleeding, I will have a hysterectomy. I asked my dr. to predict future and tell me what she thinks will happen... but obviously she could not. She said that we have been so careful, that a lot of times at the end of a careful road she will be so surprised at how well it all turned out, but with my history of Asherman's, and my "sticky" uterus, we just don't know what will happen. As mentioned before, my dr. has never had to do a hysterectomy to control bleeding and she specifically told me not to ruin her record!

Again, I have to say I am obviously nervous about all that could go wrong, but I have a good feeling about the delivery, probably because I have been so lucky with my incompetent cervix. Only time will tell, and Robbie and I reminded ourselves yesterday that after the Asherman's diagnosis that we said "just one more." So I am praying that if I wake up without a uterus, that I will not spiral down into a depression, but rejoice at the baby I was able to have...who am I kidding, I am going to be crushed.

I have just read on my Asherman's board about a woman who was told by 2 different doctors to find a surrogate, or adopt. She had multiple surgeries since 2007. This summer she was given a 10% chance that she could conceive and now she finds herself 14 weeks pregnant!!! Miracles can happen.......

"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "
— Mary Oliver

be good to yourself

Now that's scary. A pregnant witch in a wheelchair. Robbie put cobwebs over me to seal the deal. And I must admit that Robbie looked pretty scary for throwing his costume together last minute. I can't wait until next year when I won't have to worry about my cervix shortening over the sidewalk bumps in my wheelchair.... oh, the little things.

'

It is Friday and I am so tired. Kind of ridiculous since I get plenty of sleep and naps... but why shouldn't I nap? Sometimes I am just too hard on myself... even on bed rest. I want so badly to be productive and help out, so my way of being productive is online searches, sorting mail piles, folding clothes, planning dinners, etc. So when I "slack off" and watch too much tv, or nap, then I feel badly. I remember once when we lived in New York .... I totally busted myself beating myself up before I even started my day. I woke up in the morning, and thought of all of the things I had to do, and "should" do for work, or just personally... and I started berating myself for being behind, or not making enough time - even before my feet touched the floor!! How unfair. It's such a hard balance to be carefree and live life as we wish, while being responsible and accomplishing what we need to in life - jobs, chores, obligations. But we really need to be good to ourselves... to take time out for us. Life can be so hard, and we've only got one. We owe it to ourselves to allow for some pleasure on this journey...

It has been so long since I have held Scarlet... about 4 months...since I picked her up off of the floor and spun her around. I know she's 3 but she's still my baby and I cannot wait to pick her up and dance with her around the living room. Scarlet keeps asking me questions if I can do this or that when the baby comes out. I can't wait to be the mommy that can really play with her, and run with her, and sit on one of her chairs without breaking it. (it was a close call, anyway.)

"Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves."
Friedrich Nietzsche

living rather than existing

Every time I watch "A Baby Story" on TLC, no matter how stupid the people are, I cry. If the people are too annoying, I just have to turn it off... mostly those are the women who choose not to have pain meds (which I'm not saying is ridiculous, but it's ridiculous if you have to sound like a dying animal to get through the labor.) But - the moment they deliver the baby and it takes the first breath of air ... and cries, so do I. Quite honestly, I don't remember the very first moment that I saw Scarlet. (I haven't written this in her baby book.) But with this baby... this miracle - I feel like I have had SO much time to ponder, and worry, and wait...that I truly feel like I might pass out from excitement, emotion, and relief...when I see him or her. Even though I may not physically speak the words, my first words will be "I have waited so long for you..."

I had a good appointment today. My cervix is measuring "long and firm," so that's good. I had more contractions yesterday than I think I have had any other day, so I have been very careful yesterday and today. The baby is still breech, and I really do hope it turns. A C-section isn't the worst thing by any means, but it's worse for my Asherman's, so I am hoping we can avoid it. So... 5 more weeks until I get the stitches out. Right after she takes them out I will walk around for a bit and then go over to labor & delivery at the hospital to check on any big cervix changes. My Dr. said that labor will most likely not happen right away, but they take this precaution anyway. I will definitely have my bag packed!

It's hard to believe I have passed through so many months on bed rest...Now it seems as though the time will fly by as we really prepare for our new team member. I finished a book called "How the Light Gets In" by M.J. Hyland. The voice is like a female Holden Caulfield. Terrific. I could relate to her candidness, introversion, (although I think I'm intro and extrovert) her desire to be loved and cared for...and to have a home as a sanctuary to retreat to. I've started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I will probably never read this much again until I have retired. I have really enjoyed it.....

The last couple episodes of Oprah had Portia de Rossi and Ricky Martin - their memoirs, and their struggles with coming out with their homosexuality. I really pray that their stories and stories like theirs can help struggling kids. It breaks my heart that people have to hide who they are for fear of what others will say or think. There was something so happy and admirable about Ricky Martin...the relief he felt when his mom and dad accepted him for being gay. Now he is just 100% honest in his life. He said he doesn't want to live with a mask on anymore. I found it really inspiring...we should all be good enough as is, without trying to be something or someone else.

Happy 70th Birthday to my amazing mom! I cannot believe you are 70 years young. Thank you for all that you have taught me and given me... including the gift of life itself. We love you!

‎"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Oscar Wilde