whoops-a-daisy

My cervix dropped to 2.2. cm at my appt today. Not the news we wanted to hear. As my Dr. was writing out a prescription for leggings that I have to wear for TWELVE hours a day to help with circulation, and avoid blood clots from inactivity, she said "Let's see now... you are down to ... yes, nothing." As in no activity at all. As in back to bed, kitty. Part of me expected this, but the other half of me had been fantasizing about staying sane through weekly outings. I guess I am going to have to dig deeper for that sanity............

I admit I upped the ante a bit this past week because of the good news from my last 2 appts, but truly, it's not like I was jumping rope. Scary how such a little difference can make such a big impact. I feel so fragile now, so responsible. Our 14 oz baby is not ready to come out yet...

So... bring on the bed sores. Let's do this.

Mason Jennings released a LIVE album which I just downloaded, so that is my good news for today. I would much prefer to be outside in the sunshine running... listening to it on my ipod, wind blowing on my face, soothing my soul in that way. But since I don't have that option, I will accept the only option I have right now... music loud, wind blowing through my window...healthy baby in my belly.

"Life has no limits, if you're not afraid to get in it."
Mason Jennings

our best performance

Sometimes I flex my butt while I'm brushing my teeth to maintain a bit of muscle mass... but alas, I think it's a lost cause. The day I was officially put on bed rest, I went straight for the reese's pieces when I got home. I thought - if I'm going down, I'm going down big! Really though, they (the people that know) say that a lot of times you lose weight at first on bed rest because you lose muscle. Fantastic. I haven't gained too much yet, but I can feel her coming.......I'm hoping we can go to the pool this weekend since my Dr. gave the ok to go swimming.

A lot of you have said such nice things about my positive attitude... thank you! That keeps me going. A friend of mine in NY once said to me "Life is not a dress rehearsal." We get one chance here, and I simply cannot spend four months depressed. For Scarlet, for Robbie, and for myself. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have also made some of the best choices...like giving into love - even though it was inconvenient, costly, and over 1500 miles away......now he is the father of my children.

"Only a few things are really important."
Marie Dressler

try a little tenderness

I haven't seen the Today's Show in 2 days. It is most tragic! Scarlet has been home sick with a fever... poor little lady. She was really miserable yesterday, but feeling better today. The Dr. said her throat is pretty red but she doesn't have strep. Hopefully she can go to school tomorrow so I can catch up on Days of Our Lives ... is Marlena still the devil?

Yesterday, after a good dose of Ibuprofen Scarlet asked me if we could go to the "big mall with the rides." (the mall of america, of course.) I told her we can't because 1. she's sick, and 2. Mommy can't go gallivanting all over the darn city with a short cervix. She said we could get a wheelchair, and she would push me and be really careful not to run into anyone. Years from now this may actually be reality! It’s amazing how parents and children exchange roles later in their lives...once when my back was hurting and I couldn't pick Scarlet up, she told me "Mommy, when I am big, and you are little, I will hold you." Robbie said she is wise beyond her years...

I washed my hair for the first time in a week today. With the money I am saving on parking, beauty products, and new clothes - we are practically making money off of bed rest! My girlfriends have all been so amazing... keeping me company, bringing over magazines and dinner. Elizabeth stopped by today and gave me a few little goodies. The magnet above being one of them... it made me laugh!

Loving Ray LaMontagne and Otis Redding today...

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
Emily Dickinson

three little birds

Another amazing appt. My cervix was 3cm and no funneling…yahoooooooo!! I told the ultrasound tech that I was going to start running again, (she hit me) and I suggested to my Dr. that I should teach classes on bed rest and cervix maintenance. I don’t know if she necessarily disagreed. I may have spent the better part of my high school years on the basketball bench, but bed rest is something I excel at.

So… I am happy. We are happy – so thrilled! It’s taken a long time to be able to feel good about this pregnancy. But we do. My Dr. talks about a hysterectomy often. I think she wants to prepare us for the possibility… she said she’s never done one in her whole career, but my uterus has this way of holding on to things…. And if I am hemorrhaging too much, well, a hysterectomy might be the only option. But – I am going to try not to worry about that now...since it is totally out of my control, and we are focusing on this one little baby … for now.

In a couple of weeks one of our weekly ultrasounds will be done at a smaller office (in the same building as my Dr.) because the usual tech is going on vacation. I hate this other office. It's where I was first diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome. March 17th, 2009. Lucky me. Afterward I called Robbie (quite hysterically) from the car, and of course he told me to calm down and we’d talk about it when I got home. Robbie told me later that when I had called him, he and Scarlet were listening to “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley… but the Elizabeth Mitchell version. “Don’t worry about a thing… 'cause every little thing is gonna be all right.” I remind myself of the pairing of those two happenings often...

I had the most wonderful morning with Scarlet. She stumbled into my room and climbed into bed and snuggled close…she is the world’s best snuggler. Robbie even made a comment the other day how he can’t figure out how we get so close and comfortable - physically. Scarlet and I exchanged “good mornings” after some silent snuggling, then she was ready for her new favorite activity with me… back scratching. I scratched her back and sang her songs …. Over and over by request..."This Little Light of Mine," and "Maybe" from Annie. I thought of my mom and dad and how my mom's back scratches were always light and ticklish... and my dad's were harder but got the itches out. Then I thought of my mom and how I think her and I used to be the world’s best snugglers… and I was so thankful for that precious and lazy time I had with Scarlet this morning.

have a listen...copy & paste the link, then click on the black arrow under Elizabeth Mitchell.

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Elizabeth+Mitchell/track/Three+Little+Birds

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

- Marcel Proust

back to the grind

I had to joke about "getting back to the grind" this morning, as Robbie brought me my coffee in bed. Again. I am starting to feel like there is something very important that I am supposed to be learning on this sedentary journey of mine...so I should take advantage of this massive amount of introspection. I feel that I need to accomplish so much in my time on bed rest… like I need to fit it all in, in “just four months.”

I finished the 4th Twilight book - "Breaking Dawn," and started "Eat, Pray, Love." I began putting 2 years worth of photos into albums today, and by the end of the week I may just get my CPA license. It has been a little cooler out the last couple days, thank God. I opened the window in my room today and the breeze is terrific. Feels damn near like a Caribbean vacation for me.

Looking through so many photos lately, I just had to post a couple of our beautiful Scarlet when she was born. Now she is learning Spanish and making up rhymes about poop...time sure does fly.
"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."
Henry David Thoreau

all is calm, all is bright

I heard “Silent Night” today and burst into tears. I have never in my whole entire life wanted the holiday season upon me more than I want it this year. I can’t wait for the leaves to change color… I can’t wait to wear my sumo wrestler costume…I can’t wait for the snow. Not only to be done with bed rest, but to have a healthy baby. To have that part over with – the labor part - and hope that I can give birth and keep my uterus intact, and be on to the part where I am up all night, exhausted, overwhelmed, cursing breastfeeding, but looking at our precious baby.

Christmas 2008, as I put away our Christmas decorations and stockings, I prayed that I would be pregnant or have a baby the next Christmas. Christmas 2009 came and I bought an ornament to keep me going… a symbol in place of the baby that I didn’t have… because I did have something else. I had HOPE. Something about that ornament gave me strength, and although I cried because there were still only 3 stockings, I tried hard to have faith that the 4th would arrive… someday.

I can’t wait to hear the car door slam tonight and have Scarlet run into my room and tell me all about her day… it is surely the best part of mine.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Henry Ellis

sunlight

Last weekend after dinner, I came to lie back in my bed, and for a mere second I saw this vision of me being active - like it was in the near future - next week or something. And then I remembered- no, no - this thing is not over yet. You have over FOUR MONTHS to go! An entire season of my life. Fall 2010 will be spent gazing out my window monitoring crow activity. A quarter of a year spent being merely a vessel. I have a pretty positive attitude about it all, but really - it's a hell of a long time.

So today I went a little crazy... a little wild. Yes, I ate lunch outside. I mean, I can't eat lying down anyway, so what's the difference. It was glorious even if it was 95 degrees. It did wonders for my mental state. Then my jumpy neighbor started mowing his lawn and ruined it.

I am officially 19 wks today. Hooray! only 119 days left of bed rest. Yikes.
I kind of wish I wouldn't have calculated that. It's way too early to make a chain out of construction paper. My sister Julie thinks "Cerclage" should be in the running for baby names. I was thinking it does have a nice ring as a middle name......very prestigious.

Julia Roberts is on Oprah tomorrow. Just sayin'.

are you bored yet? because we have a long way to go.....................

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
Benjamin Franklin