spirit

Today marks four weeks on bed rest! It is 60 degrees and windy. I love it!! (normally I would be begging summer to stay.) But this weather marks a change...it's advancing time... and the fresh air is intoxicating. I nearly shortened my cervix today trying to get my brand new compression stockings on!!! Oh my gosh, they are so tight... it feels more like they are cutting off my circulation than trying to increase it, but I guess I'll give them a shot. 12 hours a day..... hmmm....we also got my new ride today - my sleek black wheelchair. A trip to the zoo is in order tomorrow morning if I can find my parka.

It's been just about a year since we found out that we lost our baby at 8 weeks, and before I was even able to grieve the loss, I needed to figure out how to handle dealing with my physical body. After the drugs did not work, I found I needed another surgery - the worst thing to hear as an Asherman's patient. It could be detrimental if not done properly and with much care. After a couple painful days of deliberating, we finally made the decision that I would go to the specialist in Madison again for surgery, instead of having my doctor do it here. It was inconvenient, but I needed to continue to be my own advocate, and an advocate for the dream of a baby I would have some day... and I am proud of us for that choice and many others that we have made along the way.

My mom took the train to Minneapolis, then drove with me to Madison. I bought this card at a little boutique in downtown Madison the night before my surgery. The smaller print at the bottom says "when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains." And on the scooter it says "Spirit." Of course it's not as if having a uterine surgery was really "going out there and living," but it was the decision itself to go there, and the ongoing fight and determination not to give in. The fight for a healthy baby that was meant to be. Someday. I was not throwing in the towel by doing it the easy way (a surgery at a Minneapolis hospital 5 minutes away.) I was taking control of this one chance we have at children, with my one and only uterus.

And here I lie, with that baby that was meant to be - Dear God - and I cherish every movement. And I thought the other day - what if this is really it? What if either by choice or by hysterectomy, this is the last time that I will carry a child?

Then I will call him Baby Jesus.

Ok, so we have a couple other names on the list, but still - I am so very thankful for this baby that I have been blessed enough to carry.

"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."
Lionel Hampton

september!

We are elated! My cervix is up to 3.5cm!!! (2.2 last week) We were soooo relieved and thankful to get some good news with a long weekend ahead of us. I haven't left the house since last Tuesday, so I am anxious for an outing this weekend!

Robbie said his dad was watching over us today on his birthday and sending us good news. I know he is always watching over us... Happy Birthday Don. (Grandpa Donny to Scarlet) We miss you every day.

My friend Amy gifted me a song on itunes today called "Things We've Handed Down" by Marc Cohn. It was so sweet and beautiful. Thank you Amy! There's a link to listen and the lyrics below.

"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle."
Walt Whitman

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Marc+Cohn/track/The+Things+We%27ve+Handed+Down?src=onebox

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

eat pray love

I finally finished the book "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert, and although I struggled a bit in the middle, I'm glad I read it. To me the message was that we have the ability to change our lives if we want to. We don't have to stay in a sad, empty situation... it doesn't have to be our lot in life. She also wrote about the importance of having an honest and trusting relationship with yourself...on a terribly lonely night in her life she took out her journal and wrote this:

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

Pretty powerful to have such an intense, deep, and loving relationship with yourself.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
Carl Bard

a little help from my friends

I miss my little family today...after a nice weekend of having company, and my tiny snuggle companion. Robbie bought Scarlet "Mary Poppins" so we have been watching a few scenes over and over and over...Scarlet asks the funniest little questions about the movie: "Why is he so crabby?" (Mr. Banks) and "Why did the wind change?"

We had some friends over Friday night ... and I was asking them each what they would do, while on bed rest. The girls replied with movies, books, redecorating ideas, blogs, and shopping. Sounds about right! My friend Dan said he'd read the classics or learn another language...maybe refresh his Spanish. He gave me a pep talk, although I don't think he intended it to be a pep talk... but it stuck with me for some reason. Simply, he said - I know this sucks, but you will have a baby so soon, and you will look back on this time in your life, and remember the peacefulness... and unique time...so maybe take advantage, because before I know it, I will be a busy mom of two. I agreed that I am so lucky to have an amazing end to this bout of solitude, and that there are far worse things I could be told to do.

Saturday came and although weekends are so wonderful and I'm always a bit sad on Monday mornings... they are difficult as well. Robbie has so much on his plate, and Scarlet gets bored playing games in bed with me...Robbie brought me the mail and I got three letters...encouraging me...helping me along. One from his friend Jeff, one from my mom, (who, in the history of all mothers is the very best at sending the letter in the mail) and my sister Julie.

My sister sent an adorable little pair of baby booties and wrote to me.... that years ago (maybe 10) during her birthing class for her son, the instructor talked about having a focal point to get through labor. And although physical labor is much different than my experience on bed rest, it is still a challenge. She hopes that the booties will give me a visual reminder that someday this bed rest really will end, and I'll be able to put those booties on my baby, and that it truly will be worth it! The booties will not leave my side until I take them with me to the hospital!!

It's so amazing how friends and family seem to pick you up right when you really need it. So THANK YOU to so many friends - especially those who forfeit a fun Friday night out to hang out with me on the couch! my sisters, my mom, my brother, my dad for reading my blog! my family. For all of your messages, and encouragement. It truly does help. And of course to my saint of a husband, and sweet Scarlet!

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."
Friedrich Nietzsche

bed rest day 3,046

I spent the better part of my afternoon being terrified of a squirrel lurking in a tree in my backyard. It was the most stunning end of summer day...just beautiful, and I was really enjoying my book. But this frickin' squirrel was perched above me on the trunk of the tree, looking down at me... ready to pounce! He changed his stance 3 different times until he FINALLY scurried over to a top branch, and like a sweet sweet angel, made a huge jump to my neighbors tree... I was actually really proud of him, until he climbed back down that tree, came BACK INTO MY YARD, and sat staring at me (with fierce eyes) from under a bush!! Needless to say, I may have to reread any chapters that I "read" during the squirrel invasion.

I am nearly 3 weeks into my sentence of bed rest and I am expecting this sort of reprieve... kind of like when you are running, and the first 10 minutes are hard, and then somehow you get in the groove, and your body is used to it...and it just kind of flows from there... at times, dare I say effortlessly? I guess it is a little absurd to compare bed rest to running............................

You could have a million things to do and make a "to do" list as long as you darn well please... but you are still going to get BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND in the same surroundings every single day.

The most ridiculous part about this whole entry is how hard I laughed when I found that image of the squirrel! Oh the little things............

just in case you want a little tune to listen to - copy and paste the link, then click on the 2nd album down... the red one. I thought of this song as the wretched squirrel was baring his fangs.......

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Belle+%2526+Sebastian/track/Get+Me+Away+From+Here%2C+I%27m+Dying

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."
Omar Khayyam

whoops-a-daisy

My cervix dropped to 2.2. cm at my appt today. Not the news we wanted to hear. As my Dr. was writing out a prescription for leggings that I have to wear for TWELVE hours a day to help with circulation, and avoid blood clots from inactivity, she said "Let's see now... you are down to ... yes, nothing." As in no activity at all. As in back to bed, kitty. Part of me expected this, but the other half of me had been fantasizing about staying sane through weekly outings. I guess I am going to have to dig deeper for that sanity............

I admit I upped the ante a bit this past week because of the good news from my last 2 appts, but truly, it's not like I was jumping rope. Scary how such a little difference can make such a big impact. I feel so fragile now, so responsible. Our 14 oz baby is not ready to come out yet...

So... bring on the bed sores. Let's do this.

Mason Jennings released a LIVE album which I just downloaded, so that is my good news for today. I would much prefer to be outside in the sunshine running... listening to it on my ipod, wind blowing on my face, soothing my soul in that way. But since I don't have that option, I will accept the only option I have right now... music loud, wind blowing through my window...healthy baby in my belly.

"Life has no limits, if you're not afraid to get in it."
Mason Jennings

our best performance

Sometimes I flex my butt while I'm brushing my teeth to maintain a bit of muscle mass... but alas, I think it's a lost cause. The day I was officially put on bed rest, I went straight for the reese's pieces when I got home. I thought - if I'm going down, I'm going down big! Really though, they (the people that know) say that a lot of times you lose weight at first on bed rest because you lose muscle. Fantastic. I haven't gained too much yet, but I can feel her coming.......I'm hoping we can go to the pool this weekend since my Dr. gave the ok to go swimming.

A lot of you have said such nice things about my positive attitude... thank you! That keeps me going. A friend of mine in NY once said to me "Life is not a dress rehearsal." We get one chance here, and I simply cannot spend four months depressed. For Scarlet, for Robbie, and for myself. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have also made some of the best choices...like giving into love - even though it was inconvenient, costly, and over 1500 miles away......now he is the father of my children.

"Only a few things are really important."
Marie Dressler