eat pray love

I finally finished the book "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert, and although I struggled a bit in the middle, I'm glad I read it. To me the message was that we have the ability to change our lives if we want to. We don't have to stay in a sad, empty situation... it doesn't have to be our lot in life. She also wrote about the importance of having an honest and trusting relationship with yourself...on a terribly lonely night in her life she took out her journal and wrote this:

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."

Pretty powerful to have such an intense, deep, and loving relationship with yourself.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
Carl Bard

a little help from my friends

I miss my little family today...after a nice weekend of having company, and my tiny snuggle companion. Robbie bought Scarlet "Mary Poppins" so we have been watching a few scenes over and over and over...Scarlet asks the funniest little questions about the movie: "Why is he so crabby?" (Mr. Banks) and "Why did the wind change?"

We had some friends over Friday night ... and I was asking them each what they would do, while on bed rest. The girls replied with movies, books, redecorating ideas, blogs, and shopping. Sounds about right! My friend Dan said he'd read the classics or learn another language...maybe refresh his Spanish. He gave me a pep talk, although I don't think he intended it to be a pep talk... but it stuck with me for some reason. Simply, he said - I know this sucks, but you will have a baby so soon, and you will look back on this time in your life, and remember the peacefulness... and unique time...so maybe take advantage, because before I know it, I will be a busy mom of two. I agreed that I am so lucky to have an amazing end to this bout of solitude, and that there are far worse things I could be told to do.

Saturday came and although weekends are so wonderful and I'm always a bit sad on Monday mornings... they are difficult as well. Robbie has so much on his plate, and Scarlet gets bored playing games in bed with me...Robbie brought me the mail and I got three letters...encouraging me...helping me along. One from his friend Jeff, one from my mom, (who, in the history of all mothers is the very best at sending the letter in the mail) and my sister Julie.

My sister sent an adorable little pair of baby booties and wrote to me.... that years ago (maybe 10) during her birthing class for her son, the instructor talked about having a focal point to get through labor. And although physical labor is much different than my experience on bed rest, it is still a challenge. She hopes that the booties will give me a visual reminder that someday this bed rest really will end, and I'll be able to put those booties on my baby, and that it truly will be worth it! The booties will not leave my side until I take them with me to the hospital!!

It's so amazing how friends and family seem to pick you up right when you really need it. So THANK YOU to so many friends - especially those who forfeit a fun Friday night out to hang out with me on the couch! my sisters, my mom, my brother, my dad for reading my blog! my family. For all of your messages, and encouragement. It truly does help. And of course to my saint of a husband, and sweet Scarlet!

"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."
Friedrich Nietzsche

bed rest day 3,046

I spent the better part of my afternoon being terrified of a squirrel lurking in a tree in my backyard. It was the most stunning end of summer day...just beautiful, and I was really enjoying my book. But this frickin' squirrel was perched above me on the trunk of the tree, looking down at me... ready to pounce! He changed his stance 3 different times until he FINALLY scurried over to a top branch, and like a sweet sweet angel, made a huge jump to my neighbors tree... I was actually really proud of him, until he climbed back down that tree, came BACK INTO MY YARD, and sat staring at me (with fierce eyes) from under a bush!! Needless to say, I may have to reread any chapters that I "read" during the squirrel invasion.

I am nearly 3 weeks into my sentence of bed rest and I am expecting this sort of reprieve... kind of like when you are running, and the first 10 minutes are hard, and then somehow you get in the groove, and your body is used to it...and it just kind of flows from there... at times, dare I say effortlessly? I guess it is a little absurd to compare bed rest to running............................

You could have a million things to do and make a "to do" list as long as you darn well please... but you are still going to get BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND in the same surroundings every single day.

The most ridiculous part about this whole entry is how hard I laughed when I found that image of the squirrel! Oh the little things............

just in case you want a little tune to listen to - copy and paste the link, then click on the 2nd album down... the red one. I thought of this song as the wretched squirrel was baring his fangs.......

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Belle+%2526+Sebastian/track/Get+Me+Away+From+Here%2C+I%27m+Dying

"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."
Omar Khayyam

whoops-a-daisy

My cervix dropped to 2.2. cm at my appt today. Not the news we wanted to hear. As my Dr. was writing out a prescription for leggings that I have to wear for TWELVE hours a day to help with circulation, and avoid blood clots from inactivity, she said "Let's see now... you are down to ... yes, nothing." As in no activity at all. As in back to bed, kitty. Part of me expected this, but the other half of me had been fantasizing about staying sane through weekly outings. I guess I am going to have to dig deeper for that sanity............

I admit I upped the ante a bit this past week because of the good news from my last 2 appts, but truly, it's not like I was jumping rope. Scary how such a little difference can make such a big impact. I feel so fragile now, so responsible. Our 14 oz baby is not ready to come out yet...

So... bring on the bed sores. Let's do this.

Mason Jennings released a LIVE album which I just downloaded, so that is my good news for today. I would much prefer to be outside in the sunshine running... listening to it on my ipod, wind blowing on my face, soothing my soul in that way. But since I don't have that option, I will accept the only option I have right now... music loud, wind blowing through my window...healthy baby in my belly.

"Life has no limits, if you're not afraid to get in it."
Mason Jennings

our best performance

Sometimes I flex my butt while I'm brushing my teeth to maintain a bit of muscle mass... but alas, I think it's a lost cause. The day I was officially put on bed rest, I went straight for the reese's pieces when I got home. I thought - if I'm going down, I'm going down big! Really though, they (the people that know) say that a lot of times you lose weight at first on bed rest because you lose muscle. Fantastic. I haven't gained too much yet, but I can feel her coming.......I'm hoping we can go to the pool this weekend since my Dr. gave the ok to go swimming.

A lot of you have said such nice things about my positive attitude... thank you! That keeps me going. A friend of mine in NY once said to me "Life is not a dress rehearsal." We get one chance here, and I simply cannot spend four months depressed. For Scarlet, for Robbie, and for myself. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have also made some of the best choices...like giving into love - even though it was inconvenient, costly, and over 1500 miles away......now he is the father of my children.

"Only a few things are really important."
Marie Dressler

try a little tenderness

I haven't seen the Today's Show in 2 days. It is most tragic! Scarlet has been home sick with a fever... poor little lady. She was really miserable yesterday, but feeling better today. The Dr. said her throat is pretty red but she doesn't have strep. Hopefully she can go to school tomorrow so I can catch up on Days of Our Lives ... is Marlena still the devil?

Yesterday, after a good dose of Ibuprofen Scarlet asked me if we could go to the "big mall with the rides." (the mall of america, of course.) I told her we can't because 1. she's sick, and 2. Mommy can't go gallivanting all over the darn city with a short cervix. She said we could get a wheelchair, and she would push me and be really careful not to run into anyone. Years from now this may actually be reality! It’s amazing how parents and children exchange roles later in their lives...once when my back was hurting and I couldn't pick Scarlet up, she told me "Mommy, when I am big, and you are little, I will hold you." Robbie said she is wise beyond her years...

I washed my hair for the first time in a week today. With the money I am saving on parking, beauty products, and new clothes - we are practically making money off of bed rest! My girlfriends have all been so amazing... keeping me company, bringing over magazines and dinner. Elizabeth stopped by today and gave me a few little goodies. The magnet above being one of them... it made me laugh!

Loving Ray LaMontagne and Otis Redding today...

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
Emily Dickinson

three little birds

Another amazing appt. My cervix was 3cm and no funneling…yahoooooooo!! I told the ultrasound tech that I was going to start running again, (she hit me) and I suggested to my Dr. that I should teach classes on bed rest and cervix maintenance. I don’t know if she necessarily disagreed. I may have spent the better part of my high school years on the basketball bench, but bed rest is something I excel at.

So… I am happy. We are happy – so thrilled! It’s taken a long time to be able to feel good about this pregnancy. But we do. My Dr. talks about a hysterectomy often. I think she wants to prepare us for the possibility… she said she’s never done one in her whole career, but my uterus has this way of holding on to things…. And if I am hemorrhaging too much, well, a hysterectomy might be the only option. But – I am going to try not to worry about that now...since it is totally out of my control, and we are focusing on this one little baby … for now.

In a couple of weeks one of our weekly ultrasounds will be done at a smaller office (in the same building as my Dr.) because the usual tech is going on vacation. I hate this other office. It's where I was first diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome. March 17th, 2009. Lucky me. Afterward I called Robbie (quite hysterically) from the car, and of course he told me to calm down and we’d talk about it when I got home. Robbie told me later that when I had called him, he and Scarlet were listening to “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley… but the Elizabeth Mitchell version. “Don’t worry about a thing… 'cause every little thing is gonna be all right.” I remind myself of the pairing of those two happenings often...

I had the most wonderful morning with Scarlet. She stumbled into my room and climbed into bed and snuggled close…she is the world’s best snuggler. Robbie even made a comment the other day how he can’t figure out how we get so close and comfortable - physically. Scarlet and I exchanged “good mornings” after some silent snuggling, then she was ready for her new favorite activity with me… back scratching. I scratched her back and sang her songs …. Over and over by request..."This Little Light of Mine," and "Maybe" from Annie. I thought of my mom and dad and how my mom's back scratches were always light and ticklish... and my dad's were harder but got the itches out. Then I thought of my mom and how I think her and I used to be the world’s best snugglers… and I was so thankful for that precious and lazy time I had with Scarlet this morning.

have a listen...copy & paste the link, then click on the black arrow under Elizabeth Mitchell.

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Elizabeth+Mitchell/track/Three+Little+Birds

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

- Marcel Proust

back to the grind

I had to joke about "getting back to the grind" this morning, as Robbie brought me my coffee in bed. Again. I am starting to feel like there is something very important that I am supposed to be learning on this sedentary journey of mine...so I should take advantage of this massive amount of introspection. I feel that I need to accomplish so much in my time on bed rest… like I need to fit it all in, in “just four months.”

I finished the 4th Twilight book - "Breaking Dawn," and started "Eat, Pray, Love." I began putting 2 years worth of photos into albums today, and by the end of the week I may just get my CPA license. It has been a little cooler out the last couple days, thank God. I opened the window in my room today and the breeze is terrific. Feels damn near like a Caribbean vacation for me.

Looking through so many photos lately, I just had to post a couple of our beautiful Scarlet when she was born. Now she is learning Spanish and making up rhymes about poop...time sure does fly.
"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."
Henry David Thoreau

all is calm, all is bright

I heard “Silent Night” today and burst into tears. I have never in my whole entire life wanted the holiday season upon me more than I want it this year. I can’t wait for the leaves to change color… I can’t wait to wear my sumo wrestler costume…I can’t wait for the snow. Not only to be done with bed rest, but to have a healthy baby. To have that part over with – the labor part - and hope that I can give birth and keep my uterus intact, and be on to the part where I am up all night, exhausted, overwhelmed, cursing breastfeeding, but looking at our precious baby.

Christmas 2008, as I put away our Christmas decorations and stockings, I prayed that I would be pregnant or have a baby the next Christmas. Christmas 2009 came and I bought an ornament to keep me going… a symbol in place of the baby that I didn’t have… because I did have something else. I had HOPE. Something about that ornament gave me strength, and although I cried because there were still only 3 stockings, I tried hard to have faith that the 4th would arrive… someday.

I can’t wait to hear the car door slam tonight and have Scarlet run into my room and tell me all about her day… it is surely the best part of mine.

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Henry Ellis

sunlight

Last weekend after dinner, I came to lie back in my bed, and for a mere second I saw this vision of me being active - like it was in the near future - next week or something. And then I remembered- no, no - this thing is not over yet. You have over FOUR MONTHS to go! An entire season of my life. Fall 2010 will be spent gazing out my window monitoring crow activity. A quarter of a year spent being merely a vessel. I have a pretty positive attitude about it all, but really - it's a hell of a long time.

So today I went a little crazy... a little wild. Yes, I ate lunch outside. I mean, I can't eat lying down anyway, so what's the difference. It was glorious even if it was 95 degrees. It did wonders for my mental state. Then my jumpy neighbor started mowing his lawn and ruined it.

I am officially 19 wks today. Hooray! only 119 days left of bed rest. Yikes.
I kind of wish I wouldn't have calculated that. It's way too early to make a chain out of construction paper. My sister Julie thinks "Cerclage" should be in the running for baby names. I was thinking it does have a nice ring as a middle name......very prestigious.

Julia Roberts is on Oprah tomorrow. Just sayin'.

are you bored yet? because we have a long way to go.....................

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
Benjamin Franklin

bed rest ROCKS!

We had our 19 week appt and level 2 ultrasound with the high risk ob today. It was amazing! The pictures are so real and cute to us, but a little creepy/alien/dinosaur-ish, so I will post a normal one next week.
So on top of hearing that the baby appears to be healthy and normal (!) my cervix measurement went up to 3cm, (this is considered normal. 2.5 and under is concerning) and there was no funneling today. Apparently the bed rest is paying off!!

I thought I'd post a couple of diagrams, as I know it is all confusing, and well - who doesn't need to brush up on their cervix knowledge! In the second diagram, the image that says early effacement is an example of funneling, which was a big concern for us last week. (My cervix measurement at 12 wks was 3cm, 2.3cm at 16wks, cerclage at 17 wks, 2.5cm at 18wks, and 3cm at 19wks.)


We are so thrilled with our good news today, and I plan to keep up the good work. The Dr. advised that I should go swimming a couple of times a week to help with losing muscle mass. Glorious!
Robbie is doing an amazing job of taking care of us. We keep joking that now is not a good time for him to need a hip replacement or something. We cannot afford for him to go down! Scarlet is being a good girl and loves to give the baby kisses. Today she asked "when the baby comes out of your tummy, will you be able to play with me again?" heartbreaking! I reminded her that we do still play but I just can't run around with her. Truly we've been able to spend a lot of time together playing games, coloring, watching cartoons, undressing barbies, having barbies ice skate naked.......... she is a curious child, and will be a fantastic big sister!

"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave."
Rainer Maria Rilke

birthday cocktail

I've already declared what my 35th birthday drink will be...frozen blueberry VODKA lemonade. Sun shining. On a boat. Jumping up and down simply because I can - with no mention of my weakened cervix or scarred uterus. I was pregnant last year on my birthday too so I deserve a celebratory cocktail. Or six.

Listening to the song "Hey Soul Sister" today, the line "the smell of you in every single dream I dream..." hit me, and I thought of this beautiful baby growing in me, and how it has been two years now since we started trying for this second child...and truly - this baby has been in nearly every dream, every breath we've taken, every movement that Robbie and I have made. One more. One more is all I ask for...for now.

"Dreams are necessary to life."
- Anais Nin

bed rest day 4

At least I don't have to poop in a pan... I mean honestly, people have to do that on bed rest. I keep reminding myself of the positives... the good things, the things I should be thankful for - and there are so many.
I'm hesitant to start a blog because I don't want the 6 people that read it to think that I am declaring that my life is in the most terrible state, that I am anybody particularly special, or that I really have anything all that interesting to say. The uterus & cervix talk can get quite exhausting after all. But - since I am spending ALL DAY in bed, I am going to write about it anyway...so I thought I'd put some fancy flowers around it.
It's day 4, and after my birthday weekend, a pile of magazines, 2 good books to look forward to, and a new subscription to netflix, I have to say that I am not crying about it.

Of course I do have a ways to go...Due date 1/6. Bed rest should last until 36 wks - mid December - when I get my cerclage out. Sweet Jesus.

“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke