Can you believe this???? I am 36 weeks and OFF OF BED REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The baby is still breech, but I knew that...I can feel the fat head in the middle of my tummy. Everything still looks good with the baby...I had an ultrasound and did the non-stress test like last week. My doctor definitely said I can ease into activity, and that I'm going to be tired at first. I had already been easing into a little activity at home. Today after my appt, lunch with Robbie, and a trip to Pottery Barn Kids, I am exhausted!! So after getting the green light to be active again, all I want to do now is TAKE A NAP - so that's where I am off to, in old fashioned bed rest style. I don't have many more uninterrupted sleeps in my near future, after all...............
“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”
Unknown
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
the beauty of silent whisperings
The first time I had surgery I was really scared...of going under...that I was never going to wake up. The second time I was a bit nervous too. But after that I practically looked forward to the deep sleep of anesthesia! I remember being in Madison with my mom last September...yawning, exhausted, and so looking forward to an induced slumber. This past March when I had the surgery that I didn't actually need (that's another story), my anesthesiologist gave me the nicest little cocktail into my IV before surgery while I was waiting. He said "I'd want a little cocktail if I was going into surgery too..." As I think about all of this, I'm hoping that my experiences with surgery and in the hospital will help my comfort level as I face (cue dramatic organ music) "the C section."
None of my surgeries have been this major, and I admit I'm not crazy about being sliced into and dug around in...and dealing with the recovery time after all of this bed rest... BUT I have kind of given into it. What can I do? (besides ask for a "big cocktail" in my IV?) If the baby needs to be breech in me, then that's just what it needs to do... and in a few months, and certainly years, it's not going to make any difference. I know it's very common, and maybe I'll actually prefer it to the (ring of fire) experience that I had with Scarlet. It's out of my control, so I may as well let it go and just enjoy these last few weeks. Bed rest is coming to a close... this Thursday. YES - THIS THURSDAY! I am going to shop until the baby comes out foot first!
Robbie put the crib up this weekend, and did a few loads of adorably tiny baby laundry essentials. Scarlet has been occupying herself by hanging out in the crib coloring...I asked Robbie why we didn't put that thing up months ago - she is so content playing in there!! She is perfecting her wolf and flower drawings...and yes, sometimes they are in the same picture. Last night we had a fire and hung out by the tree. Scarlet is asking more questions about the baby and paying my belly more attention. She is going to be the best big sister... I can't wait to witness it all. Now each morning I wake up and have my coffee by the tree... in the dark, in the peace...in the silent whisperings of a new life.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale
None of my surgeries have been this major, and I admit I'm not crazy about being sliced into and dug around in...and dealing with the recovery time after all of this bed rest... BUT I have kind of given into it. What can I do? (besides ask for a "big cocktail" in my IV?) If the baby needs to be breech in me, then that's just what it needs to do... and in a few months, and certainly years, it's not going to make any difference. I know it's very common, and maybe I'll actually prefer it to the (ring of fire) experience that I had with Scarlet. It's out of my control, so I may as well let it go and just enjoy these last few weeks. Bed rest is coming to a close... this Thursday. YES - THIS THURSDAY! I am going to shop until the baby comes out foot first!
Robbie put the crib up this weekend, and did a few loads of adorably tiny baby laundry essentials. Scarlet has been occupying herself by hanging out in the crib coloring...I asked Robbie why we didn't put that thing up months ago - she is so content playing in there!! She is perfecting her wolf and flower drawings...and yes, sometimes they are in the same picture. Last night we had a fire and hung out by the tree. Scarlet is asking more questions about the baby and paying my belly more attention. She is going to be the best big sister... I can't wait to witness it all. Now each morning I wake up and have my coffee by the tree... in the dark, in the peace...in the silent whisperings of a new life.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
our breech chubbette
I had a rough night... my anxiety got the best of me and I started driving myself crazy thinking that the baby wasn't moving around as much as it was before. It was moving for sure, but it just felt a little different...a little less... and a little less intense. I weaseled my way into the Dr. this morning (my appt wasn't until tomorrow) and everything is fine!!! I had an ultrasound to measure growth, movement, and amniotic fluid. Then I had a non-stress test that measures the heart rate of the baby in response to its movements. Healthy babies will respond with an increased heart rate during times of movement...our baby passed all the tests!
We found out during the ultrasound that the baby weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz (already,) and the head is measuring 39 weeks! (this is perfectly normal, thank goodness.) We also found out that our naughty little baby is breech. I'm not sure if it's always been breech (and my dr. was mistaken the last couple of weeks) or if it's just turned again. So...I will have weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's position. Unfortunately I will not get my cerclage out (supposed to get it out next Wednesday) until the baby's head is down, or until I have a C section - which is scheduled for 12/31. She doesn't want to take the cerclage out now while the baby is breech ...for fear I could go into labor with the foot first! And that's literally what it is..."footling breech" - the baby has one foot down and one foot up!
I asked about turning the baby and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea... she said you have to think about why the baby is breech (for a reason) and possibly the cord could be in the way/around the head so that's scary to try to force the baby to turn. My Dr. is actually kind of liking the idea of a C section so she can see the placenta better and really get everything out. But then she was concerned about how my body heals (it scars) and how an incision will scar..... so she's talking about some anti-scarring medication. It feels like she is really thinking of everything for my delicate case and I was so glad that they fit me in this morning last minute, and took my concern over decreased movement so seriously.
The important thing of course is that all seems to be well with our baby, and I was thrilled to see the baby is so big already! A "chubbette" as my Dr. says... I am a little disappointed about the breech position and C section. I was looking forward to getting the cerclage out next week - kind of an exciting time to think about "when will I go?" But now I feel that I will go all the way until 39 weeks. Oh well, maybe I don't want to push that head out anyway!!!
We decorated our tree last night and there is a funny clump of ornaments at the bottom where Scarlet put all of the ones we gave her to hang... I was going to rearrange everything today, but the cluttered grouping is so cute, I just couldn't. Not yet. There are few things cuter than a sleepy little lady running out of her room in the morning in winter pj's, heading straight for the beautifully lit tree. Scarlet helped us hang our stockings on the mantel. Four stockings. Truly a moment Robbie and I breathed in and cherished... I remember last year I cried when we took down our Christmas tree. This year I have the most adorable tiny stocking to gaze at, and the first ornament I put on our tree said "Hope."
"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
Maureen Hawkins
We found out during the ultrasound that the baby weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz (already,) and the head is measuring 39 weeks! (this is perfectly normal, thank goodness.) We also found out that our naughty little baby is breech. I'm not sure if it's always been breech (and my dr. was mistaken the last couple of weeks) or if it's just turned again. So...I will have weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's position. Unfortunately I will not get my cerclage out (supposed to get it out next Wednesday) until the baby's head is down, or until I have a C section - which is scheduled for 12/31. She doesn't want to take the cerclage out now while the baby is breech ...for fear I could go into labor with the foot first! And that's literally what it is..."footling breech" - the baby has one foot down and one foot up!
I asked about turning the baby and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea... she said you have to think about why the baby is breech (for a reason) and possibly the cord could be in the way/around the head so that's scary to try to force the baby to turn. My Dr. is actually kind of liking the idea of a C section so she can see the placenta better and really get everything out. But then she was concerned about how my body heals (it scars) and how an incision will scar..... so she's talking about some anti-scarring medication. It feels like she is really thinking of everything for my delicate case and I was so glad that they fit me in this morning last minute, and took my concern over decreased movement so seriously.
The important thing of course is that all seems to be well with our baby, and I was thrilled to see the baby is so big already! A "chubbette" as my Dr. says... I am a little disappointed about the breech position and C section. I was looking forward to getting the cerclage out next week - kind of an exciting time to think about "when will I go?" But now I feel that I will go all the way until 39 weeks. Oh well, maybe I don't want to push that head out anyway!!!
We decorated our tree last night and there is a funny clump of ornaments at the bottom where Scarlet put all of the ones we gave her to hang... I was going to rearrange everything today, but the cluttered grouping is so cute, I just couldn't. Not yet. There are few things cuter than a sleepy little lady running out of her room in the morning in winter pj's, heading straight for the beautifully lit tree. Scarlet helped us hang our stockings on the mantel. Four stockings. Truly a moment Robbie and I breathed in and cherished... I remember last year I cried when we took down our Christmas tree. This year I have the most adorable tiny stocking to gaze at, and the first ornament I put on our tree said "Hope."
"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
Maureen Hawkins
Thursday, November 25, 2010
ray of light
I got out of the shower the other day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror… and I am getting kankles. My body is swelling and heavy… and there is some pressure that makes me feel as if I’ve been horse back riding. I’m writing this because as I finished my last post – I thought – I hope I’m not totally fooling these people… into thinking that my life is blissful and worry free. The truth is that sometimes I hurt, I cry, I feel fat, I feel useless, I am terrified, I have ridiculous anxiety, I think about death and loss more than I should, and some days I am sad for no reason.
My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.
But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.
I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.
So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”
Kahlil Gibran
My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.
But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.
I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.
So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”
Kahlil Gibran
Thursday, November 18, 2010
the luckiest
I looked through Scarlet's baby pictures last night...and I can't wait to see Robbie become a dad again. He is the best - amazing and patient, SO KIND, and good. Scarlet is head over heels for him, and I know every reason why...thank you for carrying the load, my sweetheart. Thank you for everything you do, for all that you simply are. You are my constant companion, my best friend, my soul mate, and my rock.
I had a girl dream last night. It was crazy. Robbie and I were in some deserted end of a hospital all night by ourselves. Somehow I was able to check myself and I was dilated 7.5 cm. Robbie left the room to find someone, and the baby just came out!!! I saw a hand and an arm and I pulled and the baby came out!!! We called 911 and tried to get help but it took so long and I was so scared the baby would not make it … but she did. A girl. And we took her to meet my family… looking like a one year old with long hair – a Scarlet look a like, and my brother kept calling her the wrong name on purpose. Typical.
Truthfully, I have no real feelings one way or the other about the gender of this baby...I'm so glad we didn't find out. It is so exciting! My doctor appt went great yesterday. Not to toot my own uterus, but my Dr. kept saying how pleased she was with everything. She said she's not worried about me making it anymore... to 36 weeks (she did not take me off "bed rest,") but now she is just thinking about the delivery. I told her how I feel so lucky... to be a woman, and to be able to have this amazing experience. Sure I could complain about a lot of things that go along with pregnancy and all the surgeries, drugs, bed rest, and uterine balloon!! But I wouldn't trade it for anything... It's an honor to be able to carry a child in your womb. How utterly amazing.
Oprah's show yesterday was "do you believe in miracles?" about "John of God" - a spiritual and physical healer in Brazil. Here's the link if you want to check it out...
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Do-You-Believe-in-Miracles_1/1
I'm so intrigued by all that stuff, but I'm not sure what I think of John of God. But - my quote below is from a psychiatrist that went to go see John of God, as a skeptic, and says he still doesn't know what to believe. The one thing he says he has taken away from his experience is that nothing is as it appears to be. I thought this quote of his was very powerful...
"Perhaps the real heart within us is not just a pump. Perhaps the real heart within us is about love and faith. Perhaps the physical body is not who we really are. Perhaps we are these invisible souls walking around, and the body is just an instrument or metaphor for something we are trying to learn."
Dr. Rediger
Saturday, November 13, 2010
first snowfall
When I was younger I used to tell my dad that I wanted to move to one of the Carolina's because it's warmer there... I'm not sure why I picked those states - I still have never been to either one. I always say I'm a poor excuse for a native North Dakotan because I get so miserable in the cold. I really cannot tolerate it. My college GPA suffered a bit because of it. I think I've gotten a little better/less wimpy since moving to MN in 2005.
So normally I might not be so excited at the presence of winter, and cold, and snow. But today... today is amazing. The first snowfall is so beautiful, and so momentous. I was up in the middle of the night and saw the snow...I was as giddy as a child. This morning I lay snuggling with Scarlet, looking out the window at the falling snow, and feeling our baby kick. It was so much goodness wrapped into one moment. I savored it. I have been waiting for this day... for the snow... because now we are in the season that the baby will be born.
We are really kicking it into high gear with baby preparations. Today Robbie is painting our bedroom... we are staying in it, but it needs an update. And after all the bed rest and countless hours spent in there, I need a new version for this new chapter. We've moved Scarlet's bedroom upstairs which has been a big change for her, but she is doing so well! Some nights the only thing that keeps her up there are her princess and tinkerbell nightlights, but hey - whatever works. We are really proud of her.
I get a little emotional moving our new baby into Scarlet's old room... because Scarlet has been my lifeline for so long. She is still my baby, and now a new little lovebug is taking her room. Today Robbie and I agreed - how will we ever love this new baby as much as we love Scarlet? I mean, how is it possible? It's so overwhelmingly sweet thinking about generating that much more love for another person... when I feel like I am already bursting at the seams.
“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”
Horace
Thursday, November 11, 2010
bed rest day 98
I am 32 weeks pregnant!! I am loving the baby turning and kicking about in me... I am really relishing this time... this amazing opportunity to carry a baby. My cervix was still closed at my appt yesterday and everything is great. She didn't give me a cervix measurement, but it was good enough not to comment. My doctor thinks the baby is head down which I am really happy about...it makes sense that when I feel hiccups (about 4 times a day) they are really low.
I asked her again to walk me through what happens if I hemorrhage during labor... I am not totally freaking out about it, but I want to be prepared, not surprised, if it does happen.
*** breaking news - "3 Little Birds" by Bob Marley has just come on the Current (radio station.) I will take this as positive energy coming to me as I am writing about the possibility of a postpartum hemorrhage! .... please see "3 Little Birds" previous post for reference!***
So, the plan is that after I birth a chubby little baby, and the placenta too, I will get a few drugs for "prevention and control of postpartum hemorrhage." If this does not control bleeding, I will go to surgery, where I am put under. She will then put dissolvable sutures in my uterus to hold it together. If this does not control the bleeding, I will have a hysterectomy. I asked my dr. to predict future and tell me what she thinks will happen... but obviously she could not. She said that we have been so careful, that a lot of times at the end of a careful road she will be so surprised at how well it all turned out, but with my history of Asherman's, and my "sticky" uterus, we just don't know what will happen. As mentioned before, my dr. has never had to do a hysterectomy to control bleeding and she specifically told me not to ruin her record!
Again, I have to say I am obviously nervous about all that could go wrong, but I have a good feeling about the delivery, probably because I have been so lucky with my incompetent cervix. Only time will tell, and Robbie and I reminded ourselves yesterday that after the Asherman's diagnosis that we said "just one more." So I am praying that if I wake up without a uterus, that I will not spiral down into a depression, but rejoice at the baby I was able to have...who am I kidding, I am going to be crushed.
I have just read on my Asherman's board about a woman who was told by 2 different doctors to find a surrogate, or adopt. She had multiple surgeries since 2007. This summer she was given a 10% chance that she could conceive and now she finds herself 14 weeks pregnant!!! Miracles can happen.......
"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "
— Mary Oliver
I asked her again to walk me through what happens if I hemorrhage during labor... I am not totally freaking out about it, but I want to be prepared, not surprised, if it does happen.
*** breaking news - "3 Little Birds" by Bob Marley has just come on the Current (radio station.) I will take this as positive energy coming to me as I am writing about the possibility of a postpartum hemorrhage! .... please see "3 Little Birds" previous post for reference!***
So, the plan is that after I birth a chubby little baby, and the placenta too, I will get a few drugs for "prevention and control of postpartum hemorrhage." If this does not control bleeding, I will go to surgery, where I am put under. She will then put dissolvable sutures in my uterus to hold it together. If this does not control the bleeding, I will have a hysterectomy. I asked my dr. to predict future and tell me what she thinks will happen... but obviously she could not. She said that we have been so careful, that a lot of times at the end of a careful road she will be so surprised at how well it all turned out, but with my history of Asherman's, and my "sticky" uterus, we just don't know what will happen. As mentioned before, my dr. has never had to do a hysterectomy to control bleeding and she specifically told me not to ruin her record!
Again, I have to say I am obviously nervous about all that could go wrong, but I have a good feeling about the delivery, probably because I have been so lucky with my incompetent cervix. Only time will tell, and Robbie and I reminded ourselves yesterday that after the Asherman's diagnosis that we said "just one more." So I am praying that if I wake up without a uterus, that I will not spiral down into a depression, but rejoice at the baby I was able to have...who am I kidding, I am going to be crushed.
I have just read on my Asherman's board about a woman who was told by 2 different doctors to find a surrogate, or adopt. She had multiple surgeries since 2007. This summer she was given a 10% chance that she could conceive and now she finds herself 14 weeks pregnant!!! Miracles can happen.......
"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "
— Mary Oliver
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