be good to yourself

Now that's scary. A pregnant witch in a wheelchair. Robbie put cobwebs over me to seal the deal. And I must admit that Robbie looked pretty scary for throwing his costume together last minute. I can't wait until next year when I won't have to worry about my cervix shortening over the sidewalk bumps in my wheelchair.... oh, the little things.

'

It is Friday and I am so tired. Kind of ridiculous since I get plenty of sleep and naps... but why shouldn't I nap? Sometimes I am just too hard on myself... even on bed rest. I want so badly to be productive and help out, so my way of being productive is online searches, sorting mail piles, folding clothes, planning dinners, etc. So when I "slack off" and watch too much tv, or nap, then I feel badly. I remember once when we lived in New York .... I totally busted myself beating myself up before I even started my day. I woke up in the morning, and thought of all of the things I had to do, and "should" do for work, or just personally... and I started berating myself for being behind, or not making enough time - even before my feet touched the floor!! How unfair. It's such a hard balance to be carefree and live life as we wish, while being responsible and accomplishing what we need to in life - jobs, chores, obligations. But we really need to be good to ourselves... to take time out for us. Life can be so hard, and we've only got one. We owe it to ourselves to allow for some pleasure on this journey...

It has been so long since I have held Scarlet... about 4 months...since I picked her up off of the floor and spun her around. I know she's 3 but she's still my baby and I cannot wait to pick her up and dance with her around the living room. Scarlet keeps asking me questions if I can do this or that when the baby comes out. I can't wait to be the mommy that can really play with her, and run with her, and sit on one of her chairs without breaking it. (it was a close call, anyway.)

"Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves."
Friedrich Nietzsche

living rather than existing

Every time I watch "A Baby Story" on TLC, no matter how stupid the people are, I cry. If the people are too annoying, I just have to turn it off... mostly those are the women who choose not to have pain meds (which I'm not saying is ridiculous, but it's ridiculous if you have to sound like a dying animal to get through the labor.) But - the moment they deliver the baby and it takes the first breath of air ... and cries, so do I. Quite honestly, I don't remember the very first moment that I saw Scarlet. (I haven't written this in her baby book.) But with this baby... this miracle - I feel like I have had SO much time to ponder, and worry, and wait...that I truly feel like I might pass out from excitement, emotion, and relief...when I see him or her. Even though I may not physically speak the words, my first words will be "I have waited so long for you..."

I had a good appointment today. My cervix is measuring "long and firm," so that's good. I had more contractions yesterday than I think I have had any other day, so I have been very careful yesterday and today. The baby is still breech, and I really do hope it turns. A C-section isn't the worst thing by any means, but it's worse for my Asherman's, so I am hoping we can avoid it. So... 5 more weeks until I get the stitches out. Right after she takes them out I will walk around for a bit and then go over to labor & delivery at the hospital to check on any big cervix changes. My Dr. said that labor will most likely not happen right away, but they take this precaution anyway. I will definitely have my bag packed!

It's hard to believe I have passed through so many months on bed rest...Now it seems as though the time will fly by as we really prepare for our new team member. I finished a book called "How the Light Gets In" by M.J. Hyland. The voice is like a female Holden Caulfield. Terrific. I could relate to her candidness, introversion, (although I think I'm intro and extrovert) her desire to be loved and cared for...and to have a home as a sanctuary to retreat to. I've started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I will probably never read this much again until I have retired. I have really enjoyed it.....

The last couple episodes of Oprah had Portia de Rossi and Ricky Martin - their memoirs, and their struggles with coming out with their homosexuality. I really pray that their stories and stories like theirs can help struggling kids. It breaks my heart that people have to hide who they are for fear of what others will say or think. There was something so happy and admirable about Ricky Martin...the relief he felt when his mom and dad accepted him for being gay. Now he is just 100% honest in his life. He said he doesn't want to live with a mask on anymore. I found it really inspiring...we should all be good enough as is, without trying to be something or someone else.

Happy 70th Birthday to my amazing mom! I cannot believe you are 70 years young. Thank you for all that you have taught me and given me... including the gift of life itself. We love you!

‎"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Oscar Wilde

one wild and precious life

I am wearing all black today. Very slimming. It takes at least 6 pounds off. I went to a wedding last Friday, and I asked a stranger in the bathroom if she thought I was showing… “just a bit” she said. I look pretty much the same as when I was pregnant with Scarlet ( I think.) My tummy gets huge! Scarlet looked at it bare the other day and giggled! Next time I am wearing all black I'll have Robbie snap a photo....

30 weeks and all is well! I measured about 2 cm at the Dr. today. I'm glad she didn't take out the tape measure and measure her finger afterward like last week. Hurl. The baby is still breech, and the heartbeat was 144. I admitted that I am not on as strict of bed rest as I used to be, and my Dr. told me to get back to it. She said "I want 6 more weeks," and I know I can make it. Nothing has ever been more important, so I've got to amp up my laziness.

This week has been out-of-control gloomy - windy, rainy, nasty. There were flurries this morning but I secretly loved it because... that means we are nearly in the season when the babe will be birthed!! I have been passing the time by making hair clips and watching horror movies. This afternoon is Halloween II. I finished a great book by Jodi Picoult called "House Rules." It's about a boy with Asperger's...I laughed out loud a few times at the boy's sarcasm and tendency to take things people say extremely literally. I have quite a few books to choose from next, but I must finish the 3rd Dragon Tattoo book ("The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest") before the baby arrives, or I'll never read it.

Today I am thankful for a nice warm house and roof over my head, my nose to nose "good morning" with Scarlet, my neighbors - Sean & Amy - for taking Scarlet on a Halloween outing last night, my single serve blender for smoothies, The Avett Brothers, heated seats in the landrover, a nice chat with my mom, and a super hard laugh at Scarlet's impression of the wind last night...spectacular.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
— Mary Oliver

perspective

I've been thinking about the quote in my last entry, and have really been trying hard to enforce that mentality. I have to remember that life, although boring or challenging... is happening on bed rest. Life will not just start up again once I have the baby, or I can have a glass of wine, or next summer, when the baby is 6 months. Whether I like it or not the minutes continue to tick away... minutes of my 34th year, and minutes of Scarlet's 3rd year. At the beginning of bed rest I was so scared that I was not going to be able to witness Scarlet's life during this time...that I would miss out on so much, and all the pictures I took would have my bedroom as the same mundane background. But lucky for me I have spent so much time with my darling girl and have been able to play outside the confines of my bedroom...

I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.

Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.

I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan

third trimester!

omg, I cannot believe I am 28 weeks! Yay for me and my incompetent cervix and scar free uterus. My cervix measured 3.1 cm today. Go kitty... go kitty. I knew I could do better than last week. The baby is 2 lbs, 12 oz, and today was our last ultrasound! It's hard to believe normal people usually only have one ultrasound @ 20 weeks. I feel like I could work the machine myself.

I have had 2 good boy dreams. In the first the nurses put the most darling baby boy by my side (he was like 8 months old) but he was so perfect, with blond curls and scrumptious skin. The second dream was my grandma Marie - who passed away in 2003 - putting her hands on my stomach and saying "boy."

So...8 weeks left of bed rest. Holy shiatsu. I always think that the anticipation of things is worse than the actual moments of living through them. Lately I have been getting a bit nervous for that newborn stage, and the worrying... (and tax season.) But I deal with things better when they are finally just HERE because then you just have to plow through (you have no choice) instead of anticipating the worst. Obvious, yes. I guess when you have a lot of time to think you have a lot of time to worry...

Today I am thankful for the beautiful fall weather, the orange tree outside my window, my amazing husband who is so stressed out but still takes time off to come to the doctor with me, my crazy daughter who melts my heart every morning and night, my friends who come visit and bring me food and advice on my house, a day without hearing the damn dog next door, a shirt on the guy walking his dogs, peanut butter cup ice cream, the return of my sisters cat Oreo, NoDak sunflower pics from Casey J, and the blessing of spending this intimate time with the precious little gift I am carrying...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-Fr. Alfred D'Souza

newborn training

holy %&*#

Poor Scarlet has a fever and was up ALL NIGHT. Poor thing was miserable and medicine helped a little, but it didn't really take her fever down much. Then she started throwing up. I woke up in a daze over and over and thought - wow, this will be my new life in January! Scarlet is feeling a little better today and hasn't thrown up since early this morning. Needless to say, she has watched a little tv today.

My 27 week appt went well. I was measuring 2.8 cm and had some funneling (funneling last week too.) In case you forgot what funneling is, it represents "the dilation of the internal part of the cervical canal and reduction of the cervical length." Here is an example off the internet. (not my cervix!) The baby is on the left, the cervix length is the dotted line in the middle, and the funneling is the black triangular shape in between. This cervical length is very short...less than 1 cm. Mine is much longer!


My doctor said yes, the length is shorter than last week but I am 27 weeks (and shortening is normal now) and so..... she didn't seem at all worried. I am definitely going to take it easier this week though, so don't you worry. Next week I start my 3rd trimester. I simply cannot believe it!

"Thank you Jesus for my cute little baby."
Scarlet Katherine McKay

I'm beginning to see the light

Today is absolutely gorgeous. 70-75 degrees, sunny, with just the right amount of breeze to give the falling leaves a little flight. After my appointment today, I drove around the lake with the windows down, listening to Dean Martin singing "Ain't that a Kick in the Head" playing on the radio. It was my version of walking around the lake. It was exhilarating. The sun, the leaves, the breeze, the music... it was spectacular. But the best part was thinking about our little 2 lb baby and it's big head.

My cervix was 3.4 cm today which is great! Yes, it's lower than the last couple of weeks, but my doctor is still saying it's excellent, and at this point my cervix is going to start shortening anyway. At 26 wks the baby is measuring 2 lbs and the head is measuring 28 wks. I think it runs in the family... Scarlet was known to have a decent sized head when she was a baby. In fact our friend Mike called her Barry Bonds once. Cutest Barry Bonds I've ever seen. Anyway, it's all good news and the larger melon is perfectly fine... we just thought it was funny.

We had such a fun weekend with my mom, sister, and nieces visiting. We also got to see my sister-in-law and nephews which is always a fun time. I love having a big family, and hanging out with my siblings and their kids... it's so cool to see them grow into their own selves. Spending time with my family always reminds me where I have come from...

There is a song by Iron & Wine called "The Trapeze Singer." The lyrics throughout the song are "please remember me..." through various times and circumstances in his life. I often think back to the time before I found out I had Asherman's Syndrome...especially back to the months of trying for a 2nd baby not knowing it was all for nothing. Not understanding that it would all turn into such a big deal for us.

During the almost 2 years of trying, researching, surgeries, miscarriage, etc., I thought of this song and my lyrics "Please remember me... when I was unaffected." I wanted to go back to a time when I wasn't totally consumed with conceiving a second child...back to a time when not everything revolved around the next step, surgery, hormone treatment, uterine balloon!, waiting period...until we could try again. Now that I am pregnant and so close to our dream, I definitely feel some release from being so consumed... but I am not the same, of course. We are not the same. And why would we be? This is the progression of our lives... change is constant, and I have to accept the Kathy that I am now. I have learned so much from the trials and heartache we have endured, and have been blessed with so much joy along the way too...

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson