I'm beginning to see the light

Today is absolutely gorgeous. 70-75 degrees, sunny, with just the right amount of breeze to give the falling leaves a little flight. After my appointment today, I drove around the lake with the windows down, listening to Dean Martin singing "Ain't that a Kick in the Head" playing on the radio. It was my version of walking around the lake. It was exhilarating. The sun, the leaves, the breeze, the music... it was spectacular. But the best part was thinking about our little 2 lb baby and it's big head.

My cervix was 3.4 cm today which is great! Yes, it's lower than the last couple of weeks, but my doctor is still saying it's excellent, and at this point my cervix is going to start shortening anyway. At 26 wks the baby is measuring 2 lbs and the head is measuring 28 wks. I think it runs in the family... Scarlet was known to have a decent sized head when she was a baby. In fact our friend Mike called her Barry Bonds once. Cutest Barry Bonds I've ever seen. Anyway, it's all good news and the larger melon is perfectly fine... we just thought it was funny.

We had such a fun weekend with my mom, sister, and nieces visiting. We also got to see my sister-in-law and nephews which is always a fun time. I love having a big family, and hanging out with my siblings and their kids... it's so cool to see them grow into their own selves. Spending time with my family always reminds me where I have come from...

There is a song by Iron & Wine called "The Trapeze Singer." The lyrics throughout the song are "please remember me..." through various times and circumstances in his life. I often think back to the time before I found out I had Asherman's Syndrome...especially back to the months of trying for a 2nd baby not knowing it was all for nothing. Not understanding that it would all turn into such a big deal for us.

During the almost 2 years of trying, researching, surgeries, miscarriage, etc., I thought of this song and my lyrics "Please remember me... when I was unaffected." I wanted to go back to a time when I wasn't totally consumed with conceiving a second child...back to a time when not everything revolved around the next step, surgery, hormone treatment, uterine balloon!, waiting period...until we could try again. Now that I am pregnant and so close to our dream, I definitely feel some release from being so consumed... but I am not the same, of course. We are not the same. And why would we be? This is the progression of our lives... change is constant, and I have to accept the Kathy that I am now. I have learned so much from the trials and heartache we have endured, and have been blessed with so much joy along the way too...

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

the miracle of life

77 days left of bed rest. That's nothing it seems, from where I started. When Robbie and I did long distance in college, we always used to try to make the length of time between seeing each other more bearable. 77 is just 7 days, 11 times, or 11 days, 7 times. or about 15 days, 5 times.......

Today my cervix measured 4 cm! Everything else is looking right on, too. We are so thrilled! It is getting old though, I must admit. I am tired of asking Robbie to do things for me...and I'm sure he is tired of his role too. That is the hardest part by far - not being able to help out...having to ask for help. I guess the roles will be reversed when I am breastfeeding.

Last weekend I longed for the opportunity to bust out of the house and go for a long soul soothing walk in the autumn sunshine. But in the words of Kenny Weber "sometimes in life there are things that you just have to do, and you don't want to." Like lie in bed while the world passes you by, perhaps. A bit over dramatic, yes. But I am antsy to get things done. I feel like there is so much to do with the house...moving all of our rooms around, painting, preparing... and all I can do is make lists...and wait for my next netflix to arrive. And so it goes...

I feel so lucky and showered with love. Out of the blue, a friend - Erica - from high school sent me 5 amazing books from Barnes & Noble. She was on bed rest too, and sent them "from one bed rest mama to another." It reminded me how wonderful old friends are, and the sweetness of girlfriends, and the bonds of motherhood. Thank you Erica, and congratulations on your little darlings!

Whenever my doctor listens to the baby's heartbeat, it's as if she's hearing it for the first time...after she counts the beats on her watch, she closes her eyes and just listens for a few seconds. Today she said "isn't it amazing?" I really love that about her...after all of the patients, deliveries, and babies, she is still so excited and passionate. I fantasize about my Dr. coming to check on me the day after we have this baby. I just know I am going to bawl my face off. It will be such a milestone - the morning after...a finale after the journey. A happy ending. When she came to check on me after Scarlet she said, with a certain light in her eyes "Isn't it a miracle?"

and she is...
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
Anais Nin

baby mckay

1.5 lb baby McKay at 24 wks!

At our 24 wk appt today, my cervix measurement was 3.9 cm!!! My Dr. told me to keep doing what I'm doing... and she's not changing my activity level. I was hoping that if I keep doing well that I'll get some restrictions lifted, but that's not the case... which is fine (I guess) since I am able to leave the house in the wheelchair. It could be worse! So, about 84 days to go................of bed rest at least.

I also had my gestational diabetes test which I passed - hooray! And I got a betamethasone shot in my rear. This develops the baby's lungs in case I were to go into preterm labor. Since I am doing so well, my dr. is really not worried about preterm labor anymore, but this was the original plan, so we decided to stick with it. This shot needs a follow-up 24 hrs later, so I have an X on my arse so I know where to give it tomorrow. In my words to the nurse "between the crack and the hipbone, right?" Right.

Last night I was snuggling Scarlet in her bed and she asked if she could feel the baby kick. She put her hand on my stomach and said excitedly "mommy, I felt the baby kick!" (it didn't) but I went along with it... then Scarlet said "Yeah, you missed it, mommy."

"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for."
Henry Lewis Mencken

the in-betweens

It all started when I got the box of milk duds in the mail from Peggy (among many other treasures.) It has been a lazy day. I know what you're thinking - what day of mine isn't lazy? And it's sort of true... but today I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to read 2 pages in my book. That's what happens when you fill your days with inactivity, I guess.

I've always said that if you find yourself at home and available to watch Oprah, it is a good day. And let me tell you... every time I see a commercial for her farewell season, I get the chills. I mean I don't totally worship the woman, but I think she's extremely generous. I love the clip where she jumps up and down and says "everybody gets a car!" I'm embarrassed about how many times I've seen it and so many others. The TaxMasters commercial is undoubtedly one of the worst. "Patrick Cox for TaxMasters" ...ugh. I always think of my brother and how much we would make fun of him. His beard is so out of control, and I want to punch him in the face every time it comes on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4jAq1tsXoA

Scarlet started swimming lessons last night and I went along and got wheeled through the family locker room... ahhh the delight. She did such a good job! We were really proud of her. Every time she did something, she'd turn around with a huge smile, look at us, and say "mommy." I was so glad I was there! Scarlet is getting so big - it's so fascinating but a little scary to watch her grow up. We praised her to no end after swimming, so she was really proud of herself too. But then there are times, like when she is coloring... she is trying to master the circle and does it over and over and over again until she gets a perfect one, and when I say "that one's good sweetie," she says "no it's not," and tries again and again. Her perseverance is admirable, but when do we learn to be so critical of ourselves? I never thought I'd see it at such an early age. And it breaks my heart when she says she's not good at something... we always tell her she can do anything, and I hope she always feels our unconditional love and encouragement. Even when she lies about chewing a barbie shoe to smithereens.

Today when Scarlet was leaving for school, she turned back and gave the baby ("her baby") a kiss before she left. So sweet. In those moments, nothing else matters, and it shouldn't. Every night when I go to bed, I go into Scarlet's room to tuck her in, and I place my face on hers... and I feel the rise and fall of her body and breathe in her sweet little smells... and I think - there is nothing more precious than this little being we have created. All I want to do in this life, above anything else, is raise my kids to love their lives as much as Robbie and I love ours, and to appreciate every moment as best they can, and to laugh laugh laugh and cherish not just the big moments, but the little ones you're not expecting. The in-betweens. The looks, smiles, smells, sounds, feelings, giggles, togetherness, warmth... the kisses. The LOVE.

"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."
George Eliot

the best thing

I almost can't believe that my appt could be any better than last week. Yesterday my cervix measurement was 3.8 cm! I simply cannot believe it, and truthfully... we feel like it may be a bit off since the measurement was done at the other clinic (same as last week.) Next week we go back to our regular tech, so we'll see how well I do there!! I just had no idea that it could get that much better!

One of our favorite songs is "You Are the Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne... Scarlet is a pro at singing it. Here's a picture from this morning of my two best things.

I hate to jinx it, although I don't believe in jinxing anyway... but I feel like time is kind of flying by! It's September 8th, and I have so many things to look forward to - my mom and sister are visting in a couple of weeks, then it's apple orchard/pumpkin patch time, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas! By God I'm going to give birth before I know it!

I can't wait for that chilly day in January when Robbie can come home to a house filled with the warmth of Ella & Louis, a nice glass of vino, the smell of pot roast, and our two kids behaving like angels.......

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
Socrates

spirit

Today marks four weeks on bed rest! It is 60 degrees and windy. I love it!! (normally I would be begging summer to stay.) But this weather marks a change...it's advancing time... and the fresh air is intoxicating. I nearly shortened my cervix today trying to get my brand new compression stockings on!!! Oh my gosh, they are so tight... it feels more like they are cutting off my circulation than trying to increase it, but I guess I'll give them a shot. 12 hours a day..... hmmm....we also got my new ride today - my sleek black wheelchair. A trip to the zoo is in order tomorrow morning if I can find my parka.

It's been just about a year since we found out that we lost our baby at 8 weeks, and before I was even able to grieve the loss, I needed to figure out how to handle dealing with my physical body. After the drugs did not work, I found I needed another surgery - the worst thing to hear as an Asherman's patient. It could be detrimental if not done properly and with much care. After a couple painful days of deliberating, we finally made the decision that I would go to the specialist in Madison again for surgery, instead of having my doctor do it here. It was inconvenient, but I needed to continue to be my own advocate, and an advocate for the dream of a baby I would have some day... and I am proud of us for that choice and many others that we have made along the way.

My mom took the train to Minneapolis, then drove with me to Madison. I bought this card at a little boutique in downtown Madison the night before my surgery. The smaller print at the bottom says "when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains." And on the scooter it says "Spirit." Of course it's not as if having a uterine surgery was really "going out there and living," but it was the decision itself to go there, and the ongoing fight and determination not to give in. The fight for a healthy baby that was meant to be. Someday. I was not throwing in the towel by doing it the easy way (a surgery at a Minneapolis hospital 5 minutes away.) I was taking control of this one chance we have at children, with my one and only uterus.

And here I lie, with that baby that was meant to be - Dear God - and I cherish every movement. And I thought the other day - what if this is really it? What if either by choice or by hysterectomy, this is the last time that I will carry a child?

Then I will call him Baby Jesus.

Ok, so we have a couple other names on the list, but still - I am so very thankful for this baby that I have been blessed enough to carry.

"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."
Lionel Hampton

september!

We are elated! My cervix is up to 3.5cm!!! (2.2 last week) We were soooo relieved and thankful to get some good news with a long weekend ahead of us. I haven't left the house since last Tuesday, so I am anxious for an outing this weekend!

Robbie said his dad was watching over us today on his birthday and sending us good news. I know he is always watching over us... Happy Birthday Don. (Grandpa Donny to Scarlet) We miss you every day.

My friend Amy gifted me a song on itunes today called "Things We've Handed Down" by Marc Cohn. It was so sweet and beautiful. Thank you Amy! There's a link to listen and the lyrics below.

"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle."
Walt Whitman

http://www.ilike.com/artist/Marc+Cohn/track/The+Things+We%27ve+Handed+Down?src=onebox

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down