our new best thing : Jackson Edward McKay

I have wanted to write this entry for five weeks, but I've been a little busy. Someone said to me "you have to end it... end the story on your blog." And I realize it's the end of the story of my pregnancy and Jackson's birth, but it is really just the beginning... of our journey as parents of two. A family of four. A dream come true.

The morning of the c section we said goodbye to my mom in the wee morning hours, took one more photo of my belly by the Christmas tree, and kissed Scarlet one last time before she became a big sister. At the hospital Robbie and I were calm. We weren't scared. We were ready. I don't know how many times I asked him with excitement "honey, what is it???" (the baby) while we were waiting to go into surgery.

The spinal block was the very worst part for me. Not the shot itself, but feeling the effects and gauging if it was working well enough - scary to think about being cut into and possibly not being numb enough yet. They strapped my arms down and put the oxygen mask on as my body was going numb.... yuck. I started to get sick so they gave me some anti nausea medication and put a tube in my nose instead of the claustrophobic mask! Then I finally saw my sweet husband. I could only see Robbie's eyes because of his mask, but I thought I saw a hint of worry.... I just stared at him the whole time with wide, hopeful eyes and a big smile, and told him I was all right, and that I couldn't feel anything. He was smiling beneath that mask!!

In the few minutes that passed with Robbie by my side, I have never been more in the moment, more conscious of life and it's happenings... so connected to Robbie - right then and there. I was so excited. So happy about everything in my wondrous life - to have Robbie there with me...waiting to meet our new baby. Every now and then I fall in love with him all over again.... and there in that operating room as we waited for our miracle, and I heard him exclaim "it's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That was one of those moments.

Jackson Edward McKay was born at 10:13 a.m. on December 31st - weighing in at 7 lbs, 10 oz, and greeted us with a ferocious cry and a hearty appetite. When they cleaned him up and held him to my cheek, I cried like a baby... whispering silently as I knew I would "I have waited so long for you...." It was unbelievably special. So much more so than I even thought it would be - which is amazing, because I think a lot of times in life it's hard to even meet expectations, much less exceed them. The birth of a baby is quite simply magical...and Jackson's arrival was nothing less.

The poor little guy was all wrapped up in the umbilical cord which is why he stayed breech. Thank God I didn't try to turn him. I just knew my baby needed to be breech for a reason. My Dr. said my placenta came away easily and that my uterus looked great!!! There was a moment of panic (I thought) when I needed a quick shot of methergine in my arm to help contract the uterus, but after that it was smooth sailing. We had a fantastic team taking care of us in that operating room...and we certainly had a multitude of prayers and love flowing through our lives at that moment...and immediately into Jackson's.

There is nothing more precious than Scarlet's love for her little brother. I knew she was going to love her baby, but I never imagined this. It's so adorable, so sweet, so right. She loves to snuggle him, kiss him, "play with him." It is one of the best gifts we have received through Jackson's birth...witnessing Scarlet's love for "baby Jackson."

It was all so worth it. The surgeries, the hormones, the bed rest, the sadness, the loss, our lives revolving around getting pregnant...it was all worth it to have Jackson in our lives! A fourth pile of laundry, four names signed on our cards, and a blue nursery. We are so smitten, lucky, and blessed.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all of your support and prayers...and for following our journey. I'd like to say that I'm going to keep up writing on this blog, but without cervical measurements to post, it might not be very exciting. Check back once in a while if you have a moment... our journey for this McKay may be over, but we certainly have a fantastic journey ahead of us...

xoxo

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."
Pavese

the countdown

If this baby is colicky I am going to be so annoyed. I mean honestly, all this for a fussy crier? No thank you. Oh fine... I guess I'll love him or her regardless!!!! Robbie and I are beside ourselves. How can this be happening?? We are really going to meet our baby on Friday!!! We had our last appointment this morning and we asked our Dr. a ton of questions about the surgery and recovery. I had to slip in that there's a big possibility we may want a third child, so saving the uterus is pretty important. She knew that, but I thought I'd remind her. I told Robbie they should save my life before my uterus, but try really hard to keep the uterus. That's all I can do... get a spinal block, have a little drip of a narcotic, say a prayer, and hope for the best.....

I actually feel really good about it all. I am mostly just really excited to meet my new little sweetheart!!! The last couple of weeks I have been a little nervous about it all including meeting the baby! But now in the "final hour," I am ready - as I suspected I would be. My mom is coming in tomorrow morning and will stay with us while I'm in the hospital and maybe a few days after. We are so thrilled she can make the trip to see baby McKay and help with Scarlet. We are so lucky!

There's a line from a song called "Duet" by Rachael Yamagata - "I remember what we said, as we laid down to bed..." The song has nothing to do with having children - it's more about two lovers. But every time I hear the song...every time I hear those words... I think of Robbie and I sharing our dreams in the quiet moments where no one else could hear us. Planning our future, sharing our hopes and desires...our ideas of the perfect life. Moments, giggles, and tears shared in the secret sounds of silence... making a pact of happiness. And always, always, those moments - whether they literally existed, or were simply the core of us as beings, and our marriage - always - we were surrounded by children.

That's what made the song so heartbreaking before... when we didn't know if our dreams were going to come true - if all we had ever imagined for our lives together was going to happen.

And here we are............. less than 2 days away from a new life to hold, a child to love, and a dream fulfilled. We are in awe already, and our gratitude is endless... I am counting down the hours until I can introduce my newest best thing.

"Be guided by the stars which you place well on the canopy of your night sky."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

mans

Last night we were listening to Christmas music during dinner, and an instrumental version of "Santa Claus is coming to town" came on. After a minute or so, Scarlet asked "When do the mans sing?" I suppose it was one of those "had to be there" moments, but it was just so funny and adorable...so honest and real. She knows the song so well and it's a perfectly legitimate question...Robbie and I couldn't stop laughing and she was laughing too... and singing along to the song...the words that the "mans" weren't.

Even though we have had our share of challenges with Scarlet lately, ("I'm not nobody's best friend!" and "I'm going to shoot you with fire!") I really love this age... I love hanging out with her...being friends with her. I love how as a parent you are automatically an expert on all things..."Mommy, do snowmens have butts?" And sometimes even sort of a mystical being - like when she asks what people far away are doing - "Has cousin Preston gone to bed yet?" or questions about random people in cars, or at Target, that I would have no business knowing the answer to. She is the light of our lives.

Some days I feel like one of those people who have been in prison for so long that they can't make it on the outside... they can't function in the real world outside of the bars. (fine, I saw this once on "Shawshank Redemption.") I mean I wouldn't trade my spot now, and I really am so happy to be "off of bed rest" but some days it would kind of feel good to be told to lie down and rest. I am so enjoying the active life again though... the real deal. Being an active mommy again...well, as active as you can be with a curling stone attached to your midsection. I think the anticipation of this baby is just so exciting... it's so close, and as excited as I am, I am obviously a bit anxious and nervous as well. In the early days of bed rest, labor seemed so far off that I didn't have to worry about it........... and so it goes.

"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own."

D.M. Dellinger

ease into this...

Last week I was telling my Dr. how I am actually really surprised at how good I've felt physically throughout my bed rest. I expected to be sore and achy from inactivity. I did some stretching here and there, but nothing too intense for fear of my shortening cervix. Well well well...I've figured out the reason I was feeling no pain...I didn't have to lug this huge weight around... MY BELLY! Oh my gosh, my back is getting used to the extra weight...slowly. It's an adjustment. Last Thursday I went to Target for two hours (easing into it, right?) It was exhilarating...it was also exhausting. I came home and took a nap, and when I woke up, my legs were sore like I had worked out!

The physical activity has been good for me, and going through the motions of every day life has been really helpful too. I have been taking Scarlet to school in the morning, and running errands/Christmas shopping. It's been nice having a purpose (getting her ready and out the door in time for school) and I think it's more important than I realized... these few weeks between bed rest and the baby are a good interim period of easing back into real life, instead of going straight from bed rest (no responsibility) to NEW BABY (holy #@&*!)

Here's a pic of my large belly and my sweetie Scarlet....... I have my 37 week appt tomorrow, so I'll post an update...although I can feel big head McKay front and center, so I know he or she is still breech.

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."

Louis L'amour

free at last! free at last!

Can you believe this???? I am 36 weeks and OFF OF BED REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The baby is still breech, but I knew that...I can feel the fat head in the middle of my tummy. Everything still looks good with the baby...I had an ultrasound and did the non-stress test like last week. My doctor definitely said I can ease into activity, and that I'm going to be tired at first. I had already been easing into a little activity at home. Today after my appt, lunch with Robbie, and a trip to Pottery Barn Kids, I am exhausted!! So after getting the green light to be active again, all I want to do now is TAKE A NAP - so that's where I am off to, in old fashioned bed rest style. I don't have many more uninterrupted sleeps in my near future, after all...............

“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”

Unknown

the beauty of silent whisperings

The first time I had surgery I was really scared...of going under...that I was never going to wake up. The second time I was a bit nervous too. But after that I practically looked forward to the deep sleep of anesthesia! I remember being in Madison with my mom last September...yawning, exhausted, and so looking forward to an induced slumber. This past March when I had the surgery that I didn't actually need (that's another story), my anesthesiologist gave me the nicest little cocktail into my IV before surgery while I was waiting. He said "I'd want a little cocktail if I was going into surgery too..." As I think about all of this, I'm hoping that my experiences with surgery and in the hospital will help my comfort level as I face (cue dramatic organ music) "the C section."

None of my surgeries have been this major, and I admit I'm not crazy about being sliced into and dug around in...and dealing with the recovery time after all of this bed rest... BUT I have kind of given into it. What can I do? (besides ask for a "big cocktail" in my IV?) If the baby needs to be breech in me, then that's just what it needs to do... and in a few months, and certainly years, it's not going to make any difference. I know it's very common, and maybe I'll actually prefer it to the (ring of fire) experience that I had with Scarlet. It's out of my control, so I may as well let it go and just enjoy these last few weeks. Bed rest is coming to a close... this Thursday. YES - THIS THURSDAY! I am going to shop until the baby comes out foot first!

Robbie put the crib up this weekend, and did a few loads of adorably tiny baby laundry essentials. Scarlet has been occupying herself by hanging out in the crib coloring...I asked Robbie why we didn't put that thing up months ago - she is so content playing in there!! She is perfecting her wolf and flower drawings...and yes, sometimes they are in the same picture. Last night we had a fire and hung out by the tree. Scarlet is asking more questions about the baby and paying my belly more attention. She is going to be the best big sister... I can't wait to witness it all. Now each morning I wake up and have my coffee by the tree... in the dark, in the peace...in the silent whisperings of a new life.

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”

Norman Vincent Peale

our breech chubbette

I had a rough night... my anxiety got the best of me and I started driving myself crazy thinking that the baby wasn't moving around as much as it was before. It was moving for sure, but it just felt a little different...a little less... and a little less intense. I weaseled my way into the Dr. this morning (my appt wasn't until tomorrow) and everything is fine!!! I had an ultrasound to measure growth, movement, and amniotic fluid. Then I had a non-stress test that measures the heart rate of the baby in response to its movements. Healthy babies will respond with an increased heart rate during times of movement...our baby passed all the tests!

We found out during the ultrasound that the baby weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz (already,) and the head is measuring 39 weeks! (this is perfectly normal, thank goodness.) We also found out that our naughty little baby is breech. I'm not sure if it's always been breech (and my dr. was mistaken the last couple of weeks) or if it's just turned again. So...I will have weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's position. Unfortunately I will not get my cerclage out (supposed to get it out next Wednesday) until the baby's head is down, or until I have a C section - which is scheduled for 12/31. She doesn't want to take the cerclage out now while the baby is breech ...for fear I could go into labor with the foot first! And that's literally what it is..."footling breech" - the baby has one foot down and one foot up!

I asked about turning the baby and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea... she said you have to think about why the baby is breech (for a reason) and possibly the cord could be in the way/around the head so that's scary to try to force the baby to turn. My Dr. is actually kind of liking the idea of a C section so she can see the placenta better and really get everything out. But then she was concerned about how my body heals (it scars) and how an incision will scar..... so she's talking about some anti-scarring medication. It feels like she is really thinking of everything for my delicate case and I was so glad that they fit me in this morning last minute, and took my concern over decreased movement so seriously.

The important thing of course is that all seems to be well with our baby, and I was thrilled to see the baby is so big already! A "chubbette" as my Dr. says... I am a little disappointed about the breech position and C section. I was looking forward to getting the cerclage out next week - kind of an exciting time to think about "when will I go?" But now I feel that I will go all the way until 39 weeks. Oh well, maybe I don't want to push that head out anyway!!!

We decorated our tree last night and there is a funny clump of ornaments at the bottom where Scarlet put all of the ones we gave her to hang... I was going to rearrange everything today, but the cluttered grouping is so cute, I just couldn't. Not yet. There are few things cuter than a sleepy little lady running out of her room in the morning in winter pj's, heading straight for the beautifully lit tree. Scarlet helped us hang our stockings on the mantel. Four stockings. Truly a moment Robbie and I breathed in and cherished... I remember last year I cried when we took down our Christmas tree. This year I have the most adorable tiny stocking to gaze at, and the first ornament I put on our tree said "Hope."

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."

Maureen Hawkins