If this baby is colicky I am going to be so annoyed. I mean honestly, all this for a fussy crier? No thank you. Oh fine... I guess I'll love him or her regardless!!!! Robbie and I are beside ourselves. How can this be happening?? We are really going to meet our baby on Friday!!! We had our last appointment this morning and we asked our Dr. a ton of questions about the surgery and recovery. I had to slip in that there's a big possibility we may want a third child, so saving the uterus is pretty important. She knew that, but I thought I'd remind her. I told Robbie they should save my life before my uterus, but try really hard to keep the uterus. That's all I can do... get a spinal block, have a little drip of a narcotic, say a prayer, and hope for the best.....
I actually feel really good about it all. I am mostly just really excited to meet my new little sweetheart!!! The last couple of weeks I have been a little nervous about it all including meeting the baby! But now in the "final hour," I am ready - as I suspected I would be. My mom is coming in tomorrow morning and will stay with us while I'm in the hospital and maybe a few days after. We are so thrilled she can make the trip to see baby McKay and help with Scarlet. We are so lucky!
There's a line from a song called "Duet" by Rachael Yamagata - "I remember what we said, as we laid down to bed..." The song has nothing to do with having children - it's more about two lovers. But every time I hear the song...every time I hear those words... I think of Robbie and I sharing our dreams in the quiet moments where no one else could hear us. Planning our future, sharing our hopes and desires...our ideas of the perfect life. Moments, giggles, and tears shared in the secret sounds of silence... making a pact of happiness. And always, always, those moments - whether they literally existed, or were simply the core of us as beings, and our marriage - always - we were surrounded by children.
That's what made the song so heartbreaking before... when we didn't know if our dreams were going to come true - if all we had ever imagined for our lives together was going to happen.
And here we are............. less than 2 days away from a new life to hold, a child to love, and a dream fulfilled. We are in awe already, and our gratitude is endless... I am counting down the hours until I can introduce my newest best thing.
"Be guided by the stars which you place well on the canopy of your night sky."
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
mans
Last night we were listening to Christmas music during dinner, and an instrumental version of "Santa Claus is coming to town" came on. After a minute or so, Scarlet asked "When do the mans sing?" I suppose it was one of those "had to be there" moments, but it was just so funny and adorable...so honest and real. She knows the song so well and it's a perfectly legitimate question...Robbie and I couldn't stop laughing and she was laughing too... and singing along to the song...the words that the "mans" weren't.
Even though we have had our share of challenges with Scarlet lately, ("I'm not nobody's best friend!" and "I'm going to shoot you with fire!") I really love this age... I love hanging out with her...being friends with her. I love how as a parent you are automatically an expert on all things..."Mommy, do snowmens have butts?" And sometimes even sort of a mystical being - like when she asks what people far away are doing - "Has cousin Preston gone to bed yet?" or questions about random people in cars, or at Target, that I would have no business knowing the answer to. She is the light of our lives.
Some days I feel like one of those people who have been in prison for so long that they can't make it on the outside... they can't function in the real world outside of the bars. (fine, I saw this once on "Shawshank Redemption.") I mean I wouldn't trade my spot now, and I really am so happy to be "off of bed rest" but some days it would kind of feel good to be told to lie down and rest. I am so enjoying the active life again though... the real deal. Being an active mommy again...well, as active as you can be with a curling stone attached to your midsection. I think the anticipation of this baby is just so exciting... it's so close, and as excited as I am, I am obviously a bit anxious and nervous as well. In the early days of bed rest, labor seemed so far off that I didn't have to worry about it........... and so it goes.
"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own."
D.M. Dellinger
Even though we have had our share of challenges with Scarlet lately, ("I'm not nobody's best friend!" and "I'm going to shoot you with fire!") I really love this age... I love hanging out with her...being friends with her. I love how as a parent you are automatically an expert on all things..."Mommy, do snowmens have butts?" And sometimes even sort of a mystical being - like when she asks what people far away are doing - "Has cousin Preston gone to bed yet?" or questions about random people in cars, or at Target, that I would have no business knowing the answer to. She is the light of our lives.
Some days I feel like one of those people who have been in prison for so long that they can't make it on the outside... they can't function in the real world outside of the bars. (fine, I saw this once on "Shawshank Redemption.") I mean I wouldn't trade my spot now, and I really am so happy to be "off of bed rest" but some days it would kind of feel good to be told to lie down and rest. I am so enjoying the active life again though... the real deal. Being an active mommy again...well, as active as you can be with a curling stone attached to your midsection. I think the anticipation of this baby is just so exciting... it's so close, and as excited as I am, I am obviously a bit anxious and nervous as well. In the early days of bed rest, labor seemed so far off that I didn't have to worry about it........... and so it goes.
"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own."
D.M. Dellinger
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
ease into this...
Last week I was telling my Dr. how I am actually really surprised at how good I've felt physically throughout my bed rest. I expected to be sore and achy from inactivity. I did some stretching here and there, but nothing too intense for fear of my shortening cervix. Well well well...I've figured out the reason I was feeling no pain...I didn't have to lug this huge weight around... MY BELLY! Oh my gosh, my back is getting used to the extra weight...slowly. It's an adjustment. Last Thursday I went to Target for two hours (easing into it, right?) It was exhilarating...it was also exhausting. I came home and took a nap, and when I woke up, my legs were sore like I had worked out!
The physical activity has been good for me, and going through the motions of every day life has been really helpful too. I have been taking Scarlet to school in the morning, and running errands/Christmas shopping. It's been nice having a purpose (getting her ready and out the door in time for school) and I think it's more important than I realized... these few weeks between bed rest and the baby are a good interim period of easing back into real life, instead of going straight from bed rest (no responsibility) to NEW BABY (holy #@&*!)
Here's a pic of my large belly and my sweetie Scarlet....... I have my 37 week appt tomorrow, so I'll post an update...although I can feel big head McKay front and center, so I know he or she is still breech.
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
Louis L'amour
The physical activity has been good for me, and going through the motions of every day life has been really helpful too. I have been taking Scarlet to school in the morning, and running errands/Christmas shopping. It's been nice having a purpose (getting her ready and out the door in time for school) and I think it's more important than I realized... these few weeks between bed rest and the baby are a good interim period of easing back into real life, instead of going straight from bed rest (no responsibility) to NEW BABY (holy #@&*!)
Here's a pic of my large belly and my sweetie Scarlet....... I have my 37 week appt tomorrow, so I'll post an update...although I can feel big head McKay front and center, so I know he or she is still breech.
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
Louis L'amour
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
free at last! free at last!
Can you believe this???? I am 36 weeks and OFF OF BED REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The baby is still breech, but I knew that...I can feel the fat head in the middle of my tummy. Everything still looks good with the baby...I had an ultrasound and did the non-stress test like last week. My doctor definitely said I can ease into activity, and that I'm going to be tired at first. I had already been easing into a little activity at home. Today after my appt, lunch with Robbie, and a trip to Pottery Barn Kids, I am exhausted!! So after getting the green light to be active again, all I want to do now is TAKE A NAP - so that's where I am off to, in old fashioned bed rest style. I don't have many more uninterrupted sleeps in my near future, after all...............
“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”
Unknown
The baby is still breech, but I knew that...I can feel the fat head in the middle of my tummy. Everything still looks good with the baby...I had an ultrasound and did the non-stress test like last week. My doctor definitely said I can ease into activity, and that I'm going to be tired at first. I had already been easing into a little activity at home. Today after my appt, lunch with Robbie, and a trip to Pottery Barn Kids, I am exhausted!! So after getting the green light to be active again, all I want to do now is TAKE A NAP - so that's where I am off to, in old fashioned bed rest style. I don't have many more uninterrupted sleeps in my near future, after all...............
“I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?”
Unknown
Monday, December 6, 2010
the beauty of silent whisperings
The first time I had surgery I was really scared...of going under...that I was never going to wake up. The second time I was a bit nervous too. But after that I practically looked forward to the deep sleep of anesthesia! I remember being in Madison with my mom last September...yawning, exhausted, and so looking forward to an induced slumber. This past March when I had the surgery that I didn't actually need (that's another story), my anesthesiologist gave me the nicest little cocktail into my IV before surgery while I was waiting. He said "I'd want a little cocktail if I was going into surgery too..." As I think about all of this, I'm hoping that my experiences with surgery and in the hospital will help my comfort level as I face (cue dramatic organ music) "the C section."
None of my surgeries have been this major, and I admit I'm not crazy about being sliced into and dug around in...and dealing with the recovery time after all of this bed rest... BUT I have kind of given into it. What can I do? (besides ask for a "big cocktail" in my IV?) If the baby needs to be breech in me, then that's just what it needs to do... and in a few months, and certainly years, it's not going to make any difference. I know it's very common, and maybe I'll actually prefer it to the (ring of fire) experience that I had with Scarlet. It's out of my control, so I may as well let it go and just enjoy these last few weeks. Bed rest is coming to a close... this Thursday. YES - THIS THURSDAY! I am going to shop until the baby comes out foot first!
Robbie put the crib up this weekend, and did a few loads of adorably tiny baby laundry essentials. Scarlet has been occupying herself by hanging out in the crib coloring...I asked Robbie why we didn't put that thing up months ago - she is so content playing in there!! She is perfecting her wolf and flower drawings...and yes, sometimes they are in the same picture. Last night we had a fire and hung out by the tree. Scarlet is asking more questions about the baby and paying my belly more attention. She is going to be the best big sister... I can't wait to witness it all. Now each morning I wake up and have my coffee by the tree... in the dark, in the peace...in the silent whisperings of a new life.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale
None of my surgeries have been this major, and I admit I'm not crazy about being sliced into and dug around in...and dealing with the recovery time after all of this bed rest... BUT I have kind of given into it. What can I do? (besides ask for a "big cocktail" in my IV?) If the baby needs to be breech in me, then that's just what it needs to do... and in a few months, and certainly years, it's not going to make any difference. I know it's very common, and maybe I'll actually prefer it to the (ring of fire) experience that I had with Scarlet. It's out of my control, so I may as well let it go and just enjoy these last few weeks. Bed rest is coming to a close... this Thursday. YES - THIS THURSDAY! I am going to shop until the baby comes out foot first!
Robbie put the crib up this weekend, and did a few loads of adorably tiny baby laundry essentials. Scarlet has been occupying herself by hanging out in the crib coloring...I asked Robbie why we didn't put that thing up months ago - she is so content playing in there!! She is perfecting her wolf and flower drawings...and yes, sometimes they are in the same picture. Last night we had a fire and hung out by the tree. Scarlet is asking more questions about the baby and paying my belly more attention. She is going to be the best big sister... I can't wait to witness it all. Now each morning I wake up and have my coffee by the tree... in the dark, in the peace...in the silent whisperings of a new life.
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”
Norman Vincent Peale
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
our breech chubbette
I had a rough night... my anxiety got the best of me and I started driving myself crazy thinking that the baby wasn't moving around as much as it was before. It was moving for sure, but it just felt a little different...a little less... and a little less intense. I weaseled my way into the Dr. this morning (my appt wasn't until tomorrow) and everything is fine!!! I had an ultrasound to measure growth, movement, and amniotic fluid. Then I had a non-stress test that measures the heart rate of the baby in response to its movements. Healthy babies will respond with an increased heart rate during times of movement...our baby passed all the tests!
We found out during the ultrasound that the baby weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz (already,) and the head is measuring 39 weeks! (this is perfectly normal, thank goodness.) We also found out that our naughty little baby is breech. I'm not sure if it's always been breech (and my dr. was mistaken the last couple of weeks) or if it's just turned again. So...I will have weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's position. Unfortunately I will not get my cerclage out (supposed to get it out next Wednesday) until the baby's head is down, or until I have a C section - which is scheduled for 12/31. She doesn't want to take the cerclage out now while the baby is breech ...for fear I could go into labor with the foot first! And that's literally what it is..."footling breech" - the baby has one foot down and one foot up!
I asked about turning the baby and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea... she said you have to think about why the baby is breech (for a reason) and possibly the cord could be in the way/around the head so that's scary to try to force the baby to turn. My Dr. is actually kind of liking the idea of a C section so she can see the placenta better and really get everything out. But then she was concerned about how my body heals (it scars) and how an incision will scar..... so she's talking about some anti-scarring medication. It feels like she is really thinking of everything for my delicate case and I was so glad that they fit me in this morning last minute, and took my concern over decreased movement so seriously.
The important thing of course is that all seems to be well with our baby, and I was thrilled to see the baby is so big already! A "chubbette" as my Dr. says... I am a little disappointed about the breech position and C section. I was looking forward to getting the cerclage out next week - kind of an exciting time to think about "when will I go?" But now I feel that I will go all the way until 39 weeks. Oh well, maybe I don't want to push that head out anyway!!!
We decorated our tree last night and there is a funny clump of ornaments at the bottom where Scarlet put all of the ones we gave her to hang... I was going to rearrange everything today, but the cluttered grouping is so cute, I just couldn't. Not yet. There are few things cuter than a sleepy little lady running out of her room in the morning in winter pj's, heading straight for the beautifully lit tree. Scarlet helped us hang our stockings on the mantel. Four stockings. Truly a moment Robbie and I breathed in and cherished... I remember last year I cried when we took down our Christmas tree. This year I have the most adorable tiny stocking to gaze at, and the first ornament I put on our tree said "Hope."
"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
Maureen Hawkins
We found out during the ultrasound that the baby weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz (already,) and the head is measuring 39 weeks! (this is perfectly normal, thank goodness.) We also found out that our naughty little baby is breech. I'm not sure if it's always been breech (and my dr. was mistaken the last couple of weeks) or if it's just turned again. So...I will have weekly ultrasounds to check the baby's position. Unfortunately I will not get my cerclage out (supposed to get it out next Wednesday) until the baby's head is down, or until I have a C section - which is scheduled for 12/31. She doesn't want to take the cerclage out now while the baby is breech ...for fear I could go into labor with the foot first! And that's literally what it is..."footling breech" - the baby has one foot down and one foot up!
I asked about turning the baby and she said she doesn't think it's a good idea... she said you have to think about why the baby is breech (for a reason) and possibly the cord could be in the way/around the head so that's scary to try to force the baby to turn. My Dr. is actually kind of liking the idea of a C section so she can see the placenta better and really get everything out. But then she was concerned about how my body heals (it scars) and how an incision will scar..... so she's talking about some anti-scarring medication. It feels like she is really thinking of everything for my delicate case and I was so glad that they fit me in this morning last minute, and took my concern over decreased movement so seriously.
The important thing of course is that all seems to be well with our baby, and I was thrilled to see the baby is so big already! A "chubbette" as my Dr. says... I am a little disappointed about the breech position and C section. I was looking forward to getting the cerclage out next week - kind of an exciting time to think about "when will I go?" But now I feel that I will go all the way until 39 weeks. Oh well, maybe I don't want to push that head out anyway!!!
We decorated our tree last night and there is a funny clump of ornaments at the bottom where Scarlet put all of the ones we gave her to hang... I was going to rearrange everything today, but the cluttered grouping is so cute, I just couldn't. Not yet. There are few things cuter than a sleepy little lady running out of her room in the morning in winter pj's, heading straight for the beautifully lit tree. Scarlet helped us hang our stockings on the mantel. Four stockings. Truly a moment Robbie and I breathed in and cherished... I remember last year I cried when we took down our Christmas tree. This year I have the most adorable tiny stocking to gaze at, and the first ornament I put on our tree said "Hope."
"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."
Maureen Hawkins
Thursday, November 25, 2010
ray of light
I got out of the shower the other day and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror… and I am getting kankles. My body is swelling and heavy… and there is some pressure that makes me feel as if I’ve been horse back riding. I’m writing this because as I finished my last post – I thought – I hope I’m not totally fooling these people… into thinking that my life is blissful and worry free. The truth is that sometimes I hurt, I cry, I feel fat, I feel useless, I am terrified, I have ridiculous anxiety, I think about death and loss more than I should, and some days I am sad for no reason.
My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.
But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.
I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.
So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”
Kahlil Gibran
My trials with Asherman’s have been grueling at times… and there were definitely days where I truly wondered, and was scared to death that I would never ever be able to carry another baby again. I was heartbroken and began to wonder if surrogacy or adoption were part of our future. The unknown was simply terrifying. And all I’ve ever wanted to be, above anything – is a mom. To have your dream and desire for more children ripped out from underneath you, is a cruel and shocking blow. Bed rest has been hard at times…claustrophobic. Robbie has so much on his plate, and at times I feel useless, helpless, and unprepared. I wonder what kind of whiplash I will get when this baby is born… going from daytime TV to 24-7 milk machine and nurturer.
But the thing is – my happiness and thankfulness always win over. There is always a ray of light that is larger than my woes. I am pregnant. Yes, it has been a long road, yes, bed rest is annoying, but we are having a BABY, and for that I cannot describe my gratitude. Life simply cannot be a series of only joyful and easy moments. Part of life is dealing with the struggles, and praying that yours are not too big, or too many. There is so much pain and sadness in the world - so vast that I cannot comprehend it, and our struggles have been minimal in comparison.
I try really really hard to be positive and not to sweat the small stuff. I try to remember what is important and I want to exude that. Sometimes Scarlet is crabby before school and I tell her not to start her day off crabby. I say – here is your chance to turn it around and put a smile on your face… to start your day off happy. So I’m writing this to tell you I don’t claim to have this wondrous life figured out... That I am not Polly positive all of the time… but in the end this fleeting life is too short to spend it dwelling, feeling sorry for myself, or holding grudges. I want to live fully in these precious moments and I give it my best every day.
So today of all days, I am thankful... so very thankful for all that I have been blessed with in this life. A house to live in, food to eat, and above all - people in my life to love, and who love me. Happy Thanksgiving! xo
“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.”
Kahlil Gibran
Thursday, November 18, 2010
the luckiest
I looked through Scarlet's baby pictures last night...and I can't wait to see Robbie become a dad again. He is the best - amazing and patient, SO KIND, and good. Scarlet is head over heels for him, and I know every reason why...thank you for carrying the load, my sweetheart. Thank you for everything you do, for all that you simply are. You are my constant companion, my best friend, my soul mate, and my rock.
I had a girl dream last night. It was crazy. Robbie and I were in some deserted end of a hospital all night by ourselves. Somehow I was able to check myself and I was dilated 7.5 cm. Robbie left the room to find someone, and the baby just came out!!! I saw a hand and an arm and I pulled and the baby came out!!! We called 911 and tried to get help but it took so long and I was so scared the baby would not make it … but she did. A girl. And we took her to meet my family… looking like a one year old with long hair – a Scarlet look a like, and my brother kept calling her the wrong name on purpose. Typical.
Truthfully, I have no real feelings one way or the other about the gender of this baby...I'm so glad we didn't find out. It is so exciting! My doctor appt went great yesterday. Not to toot my own uterus, but my Dr. kept saying how pleased she was with everything. She said she's not worried about me making it anymore... to 36 weeks (she did not take me off "bed rest,") but now she is just thinking about the delivery. I told her how I feel so lucky... to be a woman, and to be able to have this amazing experience. Sure I could complain about a lot of things that go along with pregnancy and all the surgeries, drugs, bed rest, and uterine balloon!! But I wouldn't trade it for anything... It's an honor to be able to carry a child in your womb. How utterly amazing.
Oprah's show yesterday was "do you believe in miracles?" about "John of God" - a spiritual and physical healer in Brazil. Here's the link if you want to check it out...
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Do-You-Believe-in-Miracles_1/1
I'm so intrigued by all that stuff, but I'm not sure what I think of John of God. But - my quote below is from a psychiatrist that went to go see John of God, as a skeptic, and says he still doesn't know what to believe. The one thing he says he has taken away from his experience is that nothing is as it appears to be. I thought this quote of his was very powerful...
"Perhaps the real heart within us is not just a pump. Perhaps the real heart within us is about love and faith. Perhaps the physical body is not who we really are. Perhaps we are these invisible souls walking around, and the body is just an instrument or metaphor for something we are trying to learn."
Dr. Rediger
Saturday, November 13, 2010
first snowfall
When I was younger I used to tell my dad that I wanted to move to one of the Carolina's because it's warmer there... I'm not sure why I picked those states - I still have never been to either one. I always say I'm a poor excuse for a native North Dakotan because I get so miserable in the cold. I really cannot tolerate it. My college GPA suffered a bit because of it. I think I've gotten a little better/less wimpy since moving to MN in 2005.
So normally I might not be so excited at the presence of winter, and cold, and snow. But today... today is amazing. The first snowfall is so beautiful, and so momentous. I was up in the middle of the night and saw the snow...I was as giddy as a child. This morning I lay snuggling with Scarlet, looking out the window at the falling snow, and feeling our baby kick. It was so much goodness wrapped into one moment. I savored it. I have been waiting for this day... for the snow... because now we are in the season that the baby will be born.
We are really kicking it into high gear with baby preparations. Today Robbie is painting our bedroom... we are staying in it, but it needs an update. And after all the bed rest and countless hours spent in there, I need a new version for this new chapter. We've moved Scarlet's bedroom upstairs which has been a big change for her, but she is doing so well! Some nights the only thing that keeps her up there are her princess and tinkerbell nightlights, but hey - whatever works. We are really proud of her.
I get a little emotional moving our new baby into Scarlet's old room... because Scarlet has been my lifeline for so long. She is still my baby, and now a new little lovebug is taking her room. Today Robbie and I agreed - how will we ever love this new baby as much as we love Scarlet? I mean, how is it possible? It's so overwhelmingly sweet thinking about generating that much more love for another person... when I feel like I am already bursting at the seams.
“Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.”
Horace
Thursday, November 11, 2010
bed rest day 98
I am 32 weeks pregnant!! I am loving the baby turning and kicking about in me... I am really relishing this time... this amazing opportunity to carry a baby. My cervix was still closed at my appt yesterday and everything is great. She didn't give me a cervix measurement, but it was good enough not to comment. My doctor thinks the baby is head down which I am really happy about...it makes sense that when I feel hiccups (about 4 times a day) they are really low.
I asked her again to walk me through what happens if I hemorrhage during labor... I am not totally freaking out about it, but I want to be prepared, not surprised, if it does happen.
*** breaking news - "3 Little Birds" by Bob Marley has just come on the Current (radio station.) I will take this as positive energy coming to me as I am writing about the possibility of a postpartum hemorrhage! .... please see "3 Little Birds" previous post for reference!***
So, the plan is that after I birth a chubby little baby, and the placenta too, I will get a few drugs for "prevention and control of postpartum hemorrhage." If this does not control bleeding, I will go to surgery, where I am put under. She will then put dissolvable sutures in my uterus to hold it together. If this does not control the bleeding, I will have a hysterectomy. I asked my dr. to predict future and tell me what she thinks will happen... but obviously she could not. She said that we have been so careful, that a lot of times at the end of a careful road she will be so surprised at how well it all turned out, but with my history of Asherman's, and my "sticky" uterus, we just don't know what will happen. As mentioned before, my dr. has never had to do a hysterectomy to control bleeding and she specifically told me not to ruin her record!
Again, I have to say I am obviously nervous about all that could go wrong, but I have a good feeling about the delivery, probably because I have been so lucky with my incompetent cervix. Only time will tell, and Robbie and I reminded ourselves yesterday that after the Asherman's diagnosis that we said "just one more." So I am praying that if I wake up without a uterus, that I will not spiral down into a depression, but rejoice at the baby I was able to have...who am I kidding, I am going to be crushed.
I have just read on my Asherman's board about a woman who was told by 2 different doctors to find a surrogate, or adopt. She had multiple surgeries since 2007. This summer she was given a 10% chance that she could conceive and now she finds herself 14 weeks pregnant!!! Miracles can happen.......
"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "
— Mary Oliver
I asked her again to walk me through what happens if I hemorrhage during labor... I am not totally freaking out about it, but I want to be prepared, not surprised, if it does happen.
*** breaking news - "3 Little Birds" by Bob Marley has just come on the Current (radio station.) I will take this as positive energy coming to me as I am writing about the possibility of a postpartum hemorrhage! .... please see "3 Little Birds" previous post for reference!***
So, the plan is that after I birth a chubby little baby, and the placenta too, I will get a few drugs for "prevention and control of postpartum hemorrhage." If this does not control bleeding, I will go to surgery, where I am put under. She will then put dissolvable sutures in my uterus to hold it together. If this does not control the bleeding, I will have a hysterectomy. I asked my dr. to predict future and tell me what she thinks will happen... but obviously she could not. She said that we have been so careful, that a lot of times at the end of a careful road she will be so surprised at how well it all turned out, but with my history of Asherman's, and my "sticky" uterus, we just don't know what will happen. As mentioned before, my dr. has never had to do a hysterectomy to control bleeding and she specifically told me not to ruin her record!
Again, I have to say I am obviously nervous about all that could go wrong, but I have a good feeling about the delivery, probably because I have been so lucky with my incompetent cervix. Only time will tell, and Robbie and I reminded ourselves yesterday that after the Asherman's diagnosis that we said "just one more." So I am praying that if I wake up without a uterus, that I will not spiral down into a depression, but rejoice at the baby I was able to have...who am I kidding, I am going to be crushed.
I have just read on my Asherman's board about a woman who was told by 2 different doctors to find a surrogate, or adopt. She had multiple surgeries since 2007. This summer she was given a 10% chance that she could conceive and now she finds herself 14 weeks pregnant!!! Miracles can happen.......
"Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled---to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world. "
— Mary Oliver
Friday, November 5, 2010
be good to yourself
Now that's scary. A pregnant witch in a wheelchair. Robbie put cobwebs over me to seal the deal. And I must admit that Robbie looked pretty scary for throwing his costume together last minute. I can't wait until next year when I won't have to worry about my cervix shortening over the sidewalk bumps in my wheelchair.... oh, the little things.
'
It is Friday and I am so tired. Kind of ridiculous since I get plenty of sleep and naps... but why shouldn't I nap? Sometimes I am just too hard on myself... even on bed rest. I want so badly to be productive and help out, so my way of being productive is online searches, sorting mail piles, folding clothes, planning dinners, etc. So when I "slack off" and watch too much tv, or nap, then I feel badly. I remember once when we lived in New York .... I totally busted myself beating myself up before I even started my day. I woke up in the morning, and thought of all of the things I had to do, and "should" do for work, or just personally... and I started berating myself for being behind, or not making enough time - even before my feet touched the floor!! How unfair. It's such a hard balance to be carefree and live life as we wish, while being responsible and accomplishing what we need to in life - jobs, chores, obligations. But we really need to be good to ourselves... to take time out for us. Life can be so hard, and we've only got one. We owe it to ourselves to allow for some pleasure on this journey...
It has been so long since I have held Scarlet... about 4 months...since I picked her up off of the floor and spun her around. I know she's 3 but she's still my baby and I cannot wait to pick her up and dance with her around the living room. Scarlet keeps asking me questions if I can do this or that when the baby comes out. I can't wait to be the mommy that can really play with her, and run with her, and sit on one of her chairs without breaking it. (it was a close call, anyway.)
"Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
living rather than existing
Every time I watch "A Baby Story" on TLC, no matter how stupid the people are, I cry. If the people are too annoying, I just have to turn it off... mostly those are the women who choose not to have pain meds (which I'm not saying is ridiculous, but it's ridiculous if you have to sound like a dying animal to get through the labor.) But - the moment they deliver the baby and it takes the first breath of air ... and cries, so do I. Quite honestly, I don't remember the very first moment that I saw Scarlet. (I haven't written this in her baby book.) But with this baby... this miracle - I feel like I have had SO much time to ponder, and worry, and wait...that I truly feel like I might pass out from excitement, emotion, and relief...when I see him or her. Even though I may not physically speak the words, my first words will be "I have waited so long for you..."
I had a good appointment today. My cervix is measuring "long and firm," so that's good. I had more contractions yesterday than I think I have had any other day, so I have been very careful yesterday and today. The baby is still breech, and I really do hope it turns. A C-section isn't the worst thing by any means, but it's worse for my Asherman's, so I am hoping we can avoid it. So... 5 more weeks until I get the stitches out. Right after she takes them out I will walk around for a bit and then go over to labor & delivery at the hospital to check on any big cervix changes. My Dr. said that labor will most likely not happen right away, but they take this precaution anyway. I will definitely have my bag packed!
It's hard to believe I have passed through so many months on bed rest...Now it seems as though the time will fly by as we really prepare for our new team member. I finished a book called "How the Light Gets In" by M.J. Hyland. The voice is like a female Holden Caulfield. Terrific. I could relate to her candidness, introversion, (although I think I'm intro and extrovert) her desire to be loved and cared for...and to have a home as a sanctuary to retreat to. I've started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I will probably never read this much again until I have retired. I have really enjoyed it.....
The last couple episodes of Oprah had Portia de Rossi and Ricky Martin - their memoirs, and their struggles with coming out with their homosexuality. I really pray that their stories and stories like theirs can help struggling kids. It breaks my heart that people have to hide who they are for fear of what others will say or think. There was something so happy and admirable about Ricky Martin...the relief he felt when his mom and dad accepted him for being gay. Now he is just 100% honest in his life. He said he doesn't want to live with a mask on anymore. I found it really inspiring...we should all be good enough as is, without trying to be something or someone else.
Happy 70th Birthday to my amazing mom! I cannot believe you are 70 years young. Thank you for all that you have taught me and given me... including the gift of life itself. We love you!
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Oscar Wilde
I had a good appointment today. My cervix is measuring "long and firm," so that's good. I had more contractions yesterday than I think I have had any other day, so I have been very careful yesterday and today. The baby is still breech, and I really do hope it turns. A C-section isn't the worst thing by any means, but it's worse for my Asherman's, so I am hoping we can avoid it. So... 5 more weeks until I get the stitches out. Right after she takes them out I will walk around for a bit and then go over to labor & delivery at the hospital to check on any big cervix changes. My Dr. said that labor will most likely not happen right away, but they take this precaution anyway. I will definitely have my bag packed!
It's hard to believe I have passed through so many months on bed rest...Now it seems as though the time will fly by as we really prepare for our new team member. I finished a book called "How the Light Gets In" by M.J. Hyland. The voice is like a female Holden Caulfield. Terrific. I could relate to her candidness, introversion, (although I think I'm intro and extrovert) her desire to be loved and cared for...and to have a home as a sanctuary to retreat to. I've started "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I will probably never read this much again until I have retired. I have really enjoyed it.....
The last couple episodes of Oprah had Portia de Rossi and Ricky Martin - their memoirs, and their struggles with coming out with their homosexuality. I really pray that their stories and stories like theirs can help struggling kids. It breaks my heart that people have to hide who they are for fear of what others will say or think. There was something so happy and admirable about Ricky Martin...the relief he felt when his mom and dad accepted him for being gay. Now he is just 100% honest in his life. He said he doesn't want to live with a mask on anymore. I found it really inspiring...we should all be good enough as is, without trying to be something or someone else.
Happy 70th Birthday to my amazing mom! I cannot believe you are 70 years young. Thank you for all that you have taught me and given me... including the gift of life itself. We love you!
"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
Oscar Wilde
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
one wild and precious life
I am wearing all black today. Very slimming. It takes at least 6 pounds off. I went to a wedding last Friday, and I asked a stranger in the bathroom if she thought I was showing… “just a bit” she said. I look pretty much the same as when I was pregnant with Scarlet ( I think.) My tummy gets huge! Scarlet looked at it bare the other day and giggled! Next time I am wearing all black I'll have Robbie snap a photo....
30 weeks and all is well! I measured about 2 cm at the Dr. today. I'm glad she didn't take out the tape measure and measure her finger afterward like last week. Hurl. The baby is still breech, and the heartbeat was 144. I admitted that I am not on as strict of bed rest as I used to be, and my Dr. told me to get back to it. She said "I want 6 more weeks," and I know I can make it. Nothing has ever been more important, so I've got to amp up my laziness.
This week has been out-of-control gloomy - windy, rainy, nasty. There were flurries this morning but I secretly loved it because... that means we are nearly in the season when the babe will be birthed!! I have been passing the time by making hair clips and watching horror movies. This afternoon is Halloween II. I finished a great book by Jodi Picoult called "House Rules." It's about a boy with Asperger's...I laughed out loud a few times at the boy's sarcasm and tendency to take things people say extremely literally. I have quite a few books to choose from next, but I must finish the 3rd Dragon Tattoo book ("The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest") before the baby arrives, or I'll never read it.
Today I am thankful for a nice warm house and roof over my head, my nose to nose "good morning" with Scarlet, my neighbors - Sean & Amy - for taking Scarlet on a Halloween outing last night, my single serve blender for smoothies, The Avett Brothers, heated seats in the landrover, a nice chat with my mom, and a super hard laugh at Scarlet's impression of the wind last night...spectacular.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
— Mary Oliver
30 weeks and all is well! I measured about 2 cm at the Dr. today. I'm glad she didn't take out the tape measure and measure her finger afterward like last week. Hurl. The baby is still breech, and the heartbeat was 144. I admitted that I am not on as strict of bed rest as I used to be, and my Dr. told me to get back to it. She said "I want 6 more weeks," and I know I can make it. Nothing has ever been more important, so I've got to amp up my laziness.
This week has been out-of-control gloomy - windy, rainy, nasty. There were flurries this morning but I secretly loved it because... that means we are nearly in the season when the babe will be birthed!! I have been passing the time by making hair clips and watching horror movies. This afternoon is Halloween II. I finished a great book by Jodi Picoult called "House Rules." It's about a boy with Asperger's...I laughed out loud a few times at the boy's sarcasm and tendency to take things people say extremely literally. I have quite a few books to choose from next, but I must finish the 3rd Dragon Tattoo book ("The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest") before the baby arrives, or I'll never read it.
Today I am thankful for a nice warm house and roof over my head, my nose to nose "good morning" with Scarlet, my neighbors - Sean & Amy - for taking Scarlet on a Halloween outing last night, my single serve blender for smoothies, The Avett Brothers, heated seats in the landrover, a nice chat with my mom, and a super hard laugh at Scarlet's impression of the wind last night...spectacular.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"
— Mary Oliver
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
perspective
I've been thinking about the quote in my last entry, and have really been trying hard to enforce that mentality. I have to remember that life, although boring or challenging... is happening on bed rest. Life will not just start up again once I have the baby, or I can have a glass of wine, or next summer, when the baby is 6 months. Whether I like it or not the minutes continue to tick away... minutes of my 34th year, and minutes of Scarlet's 3rd year. At the beginning of bed rest I was so scared that I was not going to be able to witness Scarlet's life during this time...that I would miss out on so much, and all the pictures I took would have my bedroom as the same mundane background. But lucky for me I have spent so much time with my darling girl and have been able to play outside the confines of my bedroom...
I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.
Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.
I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan
I didn't have an ultrasound today but my Dr. measured my cervix in her own way... ahem. She thinks about 2.5-2.8 cm. A short appointment - everything seems good, so we just keep on keeping on until the next week! Robbie and I talked today about who Scarlet looks like and he said that sometimes when she does a genuine little smile he can see his dad... a lot of people say she looks like Robbie - or in the words of one of Robbie aunts to me "she just used your body!" (thanks.) There are times when I look at Scarlet whether she is giggling, coloring, or just being... and I see myself so clearly. It's this intense feeling - if for only a moment... and I don't even know if it has anything to do with an actual visual appearance, but more so a deep down feeling in our souls that we are connected.
Every morning she comes into my bed to snuggle with me. Every morning. I've been thinking lately that this is all going to change....... by the arrival of our sweet, highly anticipated baby. Of course we are counting down the weeks, hours, minutes until we get to meet the littlest McKay, but the special time and bond we have gotten to have with Scarlet during these first 3 years of her life seems like it was meant to be.
I watched "My Sisters Keeper" the other night... alone. Nothing like watching a mother lose her daughter to cancer to really put the silly woes of bed rest into perspective. I bawled my face off, and honestly I think I really needed that. Afterward I crawled into bed with sleeping Scarlet and snuggled her warm and cozy little body. I hold on so tight to life... I live with such intense emotions, and am so scared of loss... I don't know how to live any other way.
“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.”
- Alex Tan
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
third trimester!
omg, I cannot believe I am 28 weeks! Yay for me and my incompetent cervix and scar free uterus. My cervix measured 3.1 cm today. Go kitty... go kitty. I knew I could do better than last week. The baby is 2 lbs, 12 oz, and today was our last ultrasound! It's hard to believe normal people usually only have one ultrasound @ 20 weeks. I feel like I could work the machine myself.
I have had 2 good boy dreams. In the first the nurses put the most darling baby boy by my side (he was like 8 months old) but he was so perfect, with blond curls and scrumptious skin. The second dream was my grandma Marie - who passed away in 2003 - putting her hands on my stomach and saying "boy."
So...8 weeks left of bed rest. Holy shiatsu. I always think that the anticipation of things is worse than the actual moments of living through them. Lately I have been getting a bit nervous for that newborn stage, and the worrying... (and tax season.) But I deal with things better when they are finally just HERE because then you just have to plow through (you have no choice) instead of anticipating the worst. Obvious, yes. I guess when you have a lot of time to think you have a lot of time to worry...
Today I am thankful for the beautiful fall weather, the orange tree outside my window, my amazing husband who is so stressed out but still takes time off to come to the doctor with me, my crazy daughter who melts my heart every morning and night, my friends who come visit and bring me food and advice on my house, a day without hearing the damn dog next door, a shirt on the guy walking his dogs, peanut butter cup ice cream, the return of my sisters cat Oreo, NoDak sunflower pics from Casey J, and the blessing of spending this intimate time with the precious little gift I am carrying...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-Fr. Alfred D'Souza
I have had 2 good boy dreams. In the first the nurses put the most darling baby boy by my side (he was like 8 months old) but he was so perfect, with blond curls and scrumptious skin. The second dream was my grandma Marie - who passed away in 2003 - putting her hands on my stomach and saying "boy."
So...8 weeks left of bed rest. Holy shiatsu. I always think that the anticipation of things is worse than the actual moments of living through them. Lately I have been getting a bit nervous for that newborn stage, and the worrying... (and tax season.) But I deal with things better when they are finally just HERE because then you just have to plow through (you have no choice) instead of anticipating the worst. Obvious, yes. I guess when you have a lot of time to think you have a lot of time to worry...
Today I am thankful for the beautiful fall weather, the orange tree outside my window, my amazing husband who is so stressed out but still takes time off to come to the doctor with me, my crazy daughter who melts my heart every morning and night, my friends who come visit and bring me food and advice on my house, a day without hearing the damn dog next door, a shirt on the guy walking his dogs, peanut butter cup ice cream, the return of my sisters cat Oreo, NoDak sunflower pics from Casey J, and the blessing of spending this intimate time with the precious little gift I am carrying...
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-Fr. Alfred D'Souza
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
newborn training
holy %&*#
Poor Scarlet has a fever and was up ALL NIGHT. Poor thing was miserable and medicine helped a little, but it didn't really take her fever down much. Then she started throwing up. I woke up in a daze over and over and thought - wow, this will be my new life in January! Scarlet is feeling a little better today and hasn't thrown up since early this morning. Needless to say, she has watched a little tv today.
My 27 week appt went well. I was measuring 2.8 cm and had some funneling (funneling last week too.) In case you forgot what funneling is, it represents "the dilation of the internal part of the cervical canal and reduction of the cervical length." Here is an example off the internet. (not my cervix!) The baby is on the left, the cervix length is the dotted line in the middle, and the funneling is the black triangular shape in between. This cervical length is very short...less than 1 cm. Mine is much longer!
My doctor said yes, the length is shorter than last week but I am 27 weeks (and shortening is normal now) and so..... she didn't seem at all worried. I am definitely going to take it easier this week though, so don't you worry. Next week I start my 3rd trimester. I simply cannot believe it!
"Thank you Jesus for my cute little baby."
Scarlet Katherine McKay
Poor Scarlet has a fever and was up ALL NIGHT. Poor thing was miserable and medicine helped a little, but it didn't really take her fever down much. Then she started throwing up. I woke up in a daze over and over and thought - wow, this will be my new life in January! Scarlet is feeling a little better today and hasn't thrown up since early this morning. Needless to say, she has watched a little tv today.
My 27 week appt went well. I was measuring 2.8 cm and had some funneling (funneling last week too.) In case you forgot what funneling is, it represents "the dilation of the internal part of the cervical canal and reduction of the cervical length." Here is an example off the internet. (not my cervix!) The baby is on the left, the cervix length is the dotted line in the middle, and the funneling is the black triangular shape in between. This cervical length is very short...less than 1 cm. Mine is much longer!
My doctor said yes, the length is shorter than last week but I am 27 weeks (and shortening is normal now) and so..... she didn't seem at all worried. I am definitely going to take it easier this week though, so don't you worry. Next week I start my 3rd trimester. I simply cannot believe it!
"Thank you Jesus for my cute little baby."
Scarlet Katherine McKay
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I'm beginning to see the light
Today is absolutely gorgeous. 70-75 degrees, sunny, with just the right amount of breeze to give the falling leaves a little flight. After my appointment today, I drove around the lake with the windows down, listening to Dean Martin singing "Ain't that a Kick in the Head" playing on the radio. It was my version of walking around the lake. It was exhilarating. The sun, the leaves, the breeze, the music... it was spectacular. But the best part was thinking about our little 2 lb baby and it's big head.
My cervix was 3.4 cm today which is great! Yes, it's lower than the last couple of weeks, but my doctor is still saying it's excellent, and at this point my cervix is going to start shortening anyway. At 26 wks the baby is measuring 2 lbs and the head is measuring 28 wks. I think it runs in the family... Scarlet was known to have a decent sized head when she was a baby. In fact our friend Mike called her Barry Bonds once. Cutest Barry Bonds I've ever seen. Anyway, it's all good news and the larger melon is perfectly fine... we just thought it was funny.
We had such a fun weekend with my mom, sister, and nieces visiting. We also got to see my sister-in-law and nephews which is always a fun time. I love having a big family, and hanging out with my siblings and their kids... it's so cool to see them grow into their own selves. Spending time with my family always reminds me where I have come from...
There is a song by Iron & Wine called "The Trapeze Singer." The lyrics throughout the song are "please remember me..." through various times and circumstances in his life. I often think back to the time before I found out I had Asherman's Syndrome...especially back to the months of trying for a 2nd baby not knowing it was all for nothing. Not understanding that it would all turn into such a big deal for us.
During the almost 2 years of trying, researching, surgeries, miscarriage, etc., I thought of this song and my lyrics "Please remember me... when I was unaffected." I wanted to go back to a time when I wasn't totally consumed with conceiving a second child...back to a time when not everything revolved around the next step, surgery, hormone treatment, uterine balloon!, waiting period...until we could try again. Now that I am pregnant and so close to our dream, I definitely feel some release from being so consumed... but I am not the same, of course. We are not the same. And why would we be? This is the progression of our lives... change is constant, and I have to accept the Kathy that I am now. I have learned so much from the trials and heartache we have endured, and have been blessed with so much joy along the way too...
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
My cervix was 3.4 cm today which is great! Yes, it's lower than the last couple of weeks, but my doctor is still saying it's excellent, and at this point my cervix is going to start shortening anyway. At 26 wks the baby is measuring 2 lbs and the head is measuring 28 wks. I think it runs in the family... Scarlet was known to have a decent sized head when she was a baby. In fact our friend Mike called her Barry Bonds once. Cutest Barry Bonds I've ever seen. Anyway, it's all good news and the larger melon is perfectly fine... we just thought it was funny.
We had such a fun weekend with my mom, sister, and nieces visiting. We also got to see my sister-in-law and nephews which is always a fun time. I love having a big family, and hanging out with my siblings and their kids... it's so cool to see them grow into their own selves. Spending time with my family always reminds me where I have come from...
There is a song by Iron & Wine called "The Trapeze Singer." The lyrics throughout the song are "please remember me..." through various times and circumstances in his life. I often think back to the time before I found out I had Asherman's Syndrome...especially back to the months of trying for a 2nd baby not knowing it was all for nothing. Not understanding that it would all turn into such a big deal for us.
During the almost 2 years of trying, researching, surgeries, miscarriage, etc., I thought of this song and my lyrics "Please remember me... when I was unaffected." I wanted to go back to a time when I wasn't totally consumed with conceiving a second child...back to a time when not everything revolved around the next step, surgery, hormone treatment, uterine balloon!, waiting period...until we could try again. Now that I am pregnant and so close to our dream, I definitely feel some release from being so consumed... but I am not the same, of course. We are not the same. And why would we be? This is the progression of our lives... change is constant, and I have to accept the Kathy that I am now. I have learned so much from the trials and heartache we have endured, and have been blessed with so much joy along the way too...
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
the miracle of life
77 days left of bed rest. That's nothing it seems, from where I started. When Robbie and I did long distance in college, we always used to try to make the length of time between seeing each other more bearable. 77 is just 7 days, 11 times, or 11 days, 7 times. or about 15 days, 5 times.......
Today my cervix measured 4 cm! Everything else is looking right on, too. We are so thrilled! It is getting old though, I must admit. I am tired of asking Robbie to do things for me...and I'm sure he is tired of his role too. That is the hardest part by far - not being able to help out...having to ask for help. I guess the roles will be reversed when I am breastfeeding.
Last weekend I longed for the opportunity to bust out of the house and go for a long soul soothing walk in the autumn sunshine. But in the words of Kenny Weber "sometimes in life there are things that you just have to do, and you don't want to." Like lie in bed while the world passes you by, perhaps. A bit over dramatic, yes. But I am antsy to get things done. I feel like there is so much to do with the house...moving all of our rooms around, painting, preparing... and all I can do is make lists...and wait for my next netflix to arrive. And so it goes...
I feel so lucky and showered with love. Out of the blue, a friend - Erica - from high school sent me 5 amazing books from Barnes & Noble. She was on bed rest too, and sent them "from one bed rest mama to another." It reminded me how wonderful old friends are, and the sweetness of girlfriends, and the bonds of motherhood. Thank you Erica, and congratulations on your little darlings!
Whenever my doctor listens to the baby's heartbeat, it's as if she's hearing it for the first time...after she counts the beats on her watch, she closes her eyes and just listens for a few seconds. Today she said "isn't it amazing?" I really love that about her...after all of the patients, deliveries, and babies, she is still so excited and passionate. I fantasize about my Dr. coming to check on me the day after we have this baby. I just know I am going to bawl my face off. It will be such a milestone - the morning after...a finale after the journey. A happy ending. When she came to check on me after Scarlet she said, with a certain light in her eyes "Isn't it a miracle?"
and she is...
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."
Anais Nin
Today my cervix measured 4 cm! Everything else is looking right on, too. We are so thrilled! It is getting old though, I must admit. I am tired of asking Robbie to do things for me...and I'm sure he is tired of his role too. That is the hardest part by far - not being able to help out...having to ask for help. I guess the roles will be reversed when I am breastfeeding.
Last weekend I longed for the opportunity to bust out of the house and go for a long soul soothing walk in the autumn sunshine. But in the words of Kenny Weber "sometimes in life there are things that you just have to do, and you don't want to." Like lie in bed while the world passes you by, perhaps. A bit over dramatic, yes. But I am antsy to get things done. I feel like there is so much to do with the house...moving all of our rooms around, painting, preparing... and all I can do is make lists...and wait for my next netflix to arrive. And so it goes...
I feel so lucky and showered with love. Out of the blue, a friend - Erica - from high school sent me 5 amazing books from Barnes & Noble. She was on bed rest too, and sent them "from one bed rest mama to another." It reminded me how wonderful old friends are, and the sweetness of girlfriends, and the bonds of motherhood. Thank you Erica, and congratulations on your little darlings!
Whenever my doctor listens to the baby's heartbeat, it's as if she's hearing it for the first time...after she counts the beats on her watch, she closes her eyes and just listens for a few seconds. Today she said "isn't it amazing?" I really love that about her...after all of the patients, deliveries, and babies, she is still so excited and passionate. I fantasize about my Dr. coming to check on me the day after we have this baby. I just know I am going to bawl my face off. It will be such a milestone - the morning after...a finale after the journey. A happy ending. When she came to check on me after Scarlet she said, with a certain light in her eyes "Isn't it a miracle?"
and she is...
"The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle."Anais Nin
Thursday, September 16, 2010
baby mckay
1.5 lb baby McKay at 24 wks!At our 24 wk appt today, my cervix measurement was 3.9 cm!!! My Dr. told me to keep doing what I'm doing... and she's not changing my activity level. I was hoping that if I keep doing well that I'll get some restrictions lifted, but that's not the case... which is fine (I guess) since I am able to leave the house in the wheelchair. It could be worse! So, about 84 days to go................of bed rest at least.
I also had my gestational diabetes test which I passed - hooray! And I got a betamethasone shot in my rear. This develops the baby's lungs in case I were to go into preterm labor. Since I am doing so well, my dr. is really not worried about preterm labor anymore, but this was the original plan, so we decided to stick with it. This shot needs a follow-up 24 hrs later, so I have an X on my arse so I know where to give it tomorrow. In my words to the nurse "between the crack and the hipbone, right?" Right.
Last night I was snuggling Scarlet in her bed and she asked if she could feel the baby kick. She put her hand on my stomach and said excitedly "mommy, I felt the baby kick!" (it didn't) but I went along with it... then Scarlet said "Yeah, you missed it, mommy."
"In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for."
Henry Lewis Mencken
Friday, September 10, 2010
the in-betweens
It all started when I got the box of milk duds in the mail from Peggy (among many other treasures.) It has been a lazy day. I know what you're thinking - what day of mine isn't lazy? And it's sort of true... but today I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to read 2 pages in my book. That's what happens when you fill your days with inactivity, I guess.
I've always said that if you find yourself at home and available to watch Oprah, it is a good day. And let me tell you... every time I see a commercial for her farewell season, I get the chills. I mean I don't totally worship the woman, but I think she's extremely generous. I love the clip where she jumps up and down and says "everybody gets a car!" I'm embarrassed about how many times I've seen it and so many others. The TaxMasters commercial is undoubtedly one of the worst. "Patrick Cox for TaxMasters" ...ugh. I always think of my brother and how much we would make fun of him. His beard is so out of control, and I want to punch him in the face every time it comes on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4jAq1tsXoA
Scarlet started swimming lessons last night and I went along and got wheeled through the family locker room... ahhh the delight. She did such a good job! We were really proud of her. Every time she did something, she'd turn around with a huge smile, look at us, and say "mommy." I was so glad I was there! Scarlet is getting so big - it's so fascinating but a little scary to watch her grow up. We praised her to no end after swimming, so she was really proud of herself too. But then there are times, like when she is coloring... she is trying to master the circle and does it over and over and over again until she gets a perfect one, and when I say "that one's good sweetie," she says "no it's not," and tries again and again. Her perseverance is admirable, but when do we learn to be so critical of ourselves? I never thought I'd see it at such an early age. And it breaks my heart when she says she's not good at something... we always tell her she can do anything, and I hope she always feels our unconditional love and encouragement. Even when she lies about chewing a barbie shoe to smithereens.
Today when Scarlet was leaving for school, she turned back and gave the baby ("her baby") a kiss before she left. So sweet. In those moments, nothing else matters, and it shouldn't. Every night when I go to bed, I go into Scarlet's room to tuck her in, and I place my face on hers... and I feel the rise and fall of her body and breathe in her sweet little smells... and I think - there is nothing more precious than this little being we have created. All I want to do in this life, above anything else, is raise my kids to love their lives as much as Robbie and I love ours, and to appreciate every moment as best they can, and to laugh laugh laugh and cherish not just the big moments, but the little ones you're not expecting. The in-betweens. The looks, smiles, smells, sounds, feelings, giggles, togetherness, warmth... the kisses. The LOVE.
"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."
George Eliot
I've always said that if you find yourself at home and available to watch Oprah, it is a good day. And let me tell you... every time I see a commercial for her farewell season, I get the chills. I mean I don't totally worship the woman, but I think she's extremely generous. I love the clip where she jumps up and down and says "everybody gets a car!" I'm embarrassed about how many times I've seen it and so many others. The TaxMasters commercial is undoubtedly one of the worst. "Patrick Cox for TaxMasters" ...ugh. I always think of my brother and how much we would make fun of him. His beard is so out of control, and I want to punch him in the face every time it comes on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4jAq1tsXoA
Scarlet started swimming lessons last night and I went along and got wheeled through the family locker room... ahhh the delight. She did such a good job! We were really proud of her. Every time she did something, she'd turn around with a huge smile, look at us, and say "mommy." I was so glad I was there! Scarlet is getting so big - it's so fascinating but a little scary to watch her grow up. We praised her to no end after swimming, so she was really proud of herself too. But then there are times, like when she is coloring... she is trying to master the circle and does it over and over and over again until she gets a perfect one, and when I say "that one's good sweetie," she says "no it's not," and tries again and again. Her perseverance is admirable, but when do we learn to be so critical of ourselves? I never thought I'd see it at such an early age. And it breaks my heart when she says she's not good at something... we always tell her she can do anything, and I hope she always feels our unconditional love and encouragement. Even when she lies about chewing a barbie shoe to smithereens.
Today when Scarlet was leaving for school, she turned back and gave the baby ("her baby") a kiss before she left. So sweet. In those moments, nothing else matters, and it shouldn't. Every night when I go to bed, I go into Scarlet's room to tuck her in, and I place my face on hers... and I feel the rise and fall of her body and breathe in her sweet little smells... and I think - there is nothing more precious than this little being we have created. All I want to do in this life, above anything else, is raise my kids to love their lives as much as Robbie and I love ours, and to appreciate every moment as best they can, and to laugh laugh laugh and cherish not just the big moments, but the little ones you're not expecting. The in-betweens. The looks, smiles, smells, sounds, feelings, giggles, togetherness, warmth... the kisses. The LOVE.
"What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories."George Eliot
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
the best thing
I almost can't believe that my appt could be any better than last week. Yesterday my cervix measurement was 3.8 cm! I simply cannot believe it, and truthfully... we feel like it may be a bit off since the measurement was done at the other clinic (same as last week.) Next week we go back to our regular tech, so we'll see how well I do there!! I just had no idea that it could get that much better!
One of our favorite songs is "You Are the Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne... Scarlet is a pro at singing it. Here's a picture from this morning of my two best things.
I hate to jinx it, although I don't believe in jinxing anyway... but I feel like time is kind of flying by! It's September 8th, and I have so many things to look forward to - my mom and sister are visting in a couple of weeks, then it's apple orchard/pumpkin patch time, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas! By God I'm going to give birth before I know it!
I can't wait for that chilly day in January when Robbie can come home to a house filled with the warmth of Ella & Louis, a nice glass of vino, the smell of pot roast, and our two kids behaving like angels.......
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
Socrates
One of our favorite songs is "You Are the Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne... Scarlet is a pro at singing it. Here's a picture from this morning of my two best things.
I hate to jinx it, although I don't believe in jinxing anyway... but I feel like time is kind of flying by! It's September 8th, and I have so many things to look forward to - my mom and sister are visting in a couple of weeks, then it's apple orchard/pumpkin patch time, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas! By God I'm going to give birth before I know it!I can't wait for that chilly day in January when Robbie can come home to a house filled with the warmth of Ella & Louis, a nice glass of vino, the smell of pot roast, and our two kids behaving like angels.......
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
Socrates
Friday, September 3, 2010
spirit
Today marks four weeks on bed rest! It is 60 degrees and windy. I love it!! (normally I would be begging summer to stay.) But this weather marks a change...it's advancing time... and the fresh air is intoxicating. I nearly shortened my cervix today trying to get my brand new compression stockings on!!! Oh my gosh, they are so tight... it feels more like they are cutting off my circulation than trying to increase it, but I guess I'll give them a shot. 12 hours a day..... hmmm....we also got my new ride today - my sleek black wheelchair. A trip to the zoo is in order tomorrow morning if I can find my parka.
It's been just about a year since we found out that we lost our baby at 8 weeks, and before I was even able to grieve the loss, I needed to figure out how to handle dealing with my physical body. After the drugs did not work, I found I needed another surgery - the worst thing to hear as an Asherman's patient. It could be detrimental if not done properly and with much care. After a couple painful days of deliberating, we finally made the decision that I would go to the specialist in Madison again for surgery, instead of having my doctor do it here. It was inconvenient, but I needed to continue to be my own advocate, and an advocate for the dream of a baby I would have some day... and I am proud of us for that choice and many others that we have made along the way.
My mom took the train to Minneapolis, then drove with me to Madison. I bought this card at a little boutique in downtown Madison the night before my surgery. The smaller print at the bottom says "when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains." And on the scooter it says "Spirit." Of course it's not as if having a uterine surgery was really "going out there and living," but it was the decision itself to go there, and the ongoing fight and determination not to give in. The fight for a healthy baby that was meant to be. Someday. I was not throwing in the towel by doing it the easy way (a surgery at a Minneapolis hospital 5 minutes away.) I was taking control of this one chance we have at children, with my one and only uterus.
And here I lie, with that baby that was meant to be - Dear God - and I cherish every movement. And I thought the other day - what if this is really it? What if either by choice or by hysterectomy, this is the last time that I will carry a child?
Then I will call him Baby Jesus.
Ok, so we have a couple other names on the list, but still - I am so very thankful for this baby that I have been blessed enough to carry.
"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."
Lionel Hampton
It's been just about a year since we found out that we lost our baby at 8 weeks, and before I was even able to grieve the loss, I needed to figure out how to handle dealing with my physical body. After the drugs did not work, I found I needed another surgery - the worst thing to hear as an Asherman's patient. It could be detrimental if not done properly and with much care. After a couple painful days of deliberating, we finally made the decision that I would go to the specialist in Madison again for surgery, instead of having my doctor do it here. It was inconvenient, but I needed to continue to be my own advocate, and an advocate for the dream of a baby I would have some day... and I am proud of us for that choice and many others that we have made along the way.
My mom took the train to Minneapolis, then drove with me to Madison. I bought this card at a little boutique in downtown Madison the night before my surgery. The smaller print at the bottom says "when faith in myself was so strong that I believed I could move mountains." And on the scooter it says "Spirit." Of course it's not as if having a uterine surgery was really "going out there and living," but it was the decision itself to go there, and the ongoing fight and determination not to give in. The fight for a healthy baby that was meant to be. Someday. I was not throwing in the towel by doing it the easy way (a surgery at a Minneapolis hospital 5 minutes away.) I was taking control of this one chance we have at children, with my one and only uterus.
And here I lie, with that baby that was meant to be - Dear God - and I cherish every movement. And I thought the other day - what if this is really it? What if either by choice or by hysterectomy, this is the last time that I will carry a child?
Then I will call him Baby Jesus.
Ok, so we have a couple other names on the list, but still - I am so very thankful for this baby that I have been blessed enough to carry.
"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind."
Lionel Hampton
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
september!
We are elated! My cervix is up to 3.5cm!!! (2.2 last week) We were soooo relieved and thankful to get some good news with a long weekend ahead of us. I haven't left the house since last Tuesday, so I am anxious for an outing this weekend!
Robbie said his dad was watching over us today on his birthday and sending us good news. I know he is always watching over us... Happy Birthday Don. (Grandpa Donny to Scarlet) We miss you every day.
My friend Amy gifted me a song on itunes today called "Things We've Handed Down" by Marc Cohn. It was so sweet and beautiful. Thank you Amy! There's a link to listen and the lyrics below.
"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle."
Walt Whitman
http://www.ilike.com/artist/Marc+Cohn/track/The+Things+We%27ve+Handed+Down?src=onebox
Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love
Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down
I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say
And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down
You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down
Robbie said his dad was watching over us today on his birthday and sending us good news. I know he is always watching over us... Happy Birthday Don. (Grandpa Donny to Scarlet) We miss you every day.
My friend Amy gifted me a song on itunes today called "Things We've Handed Down" by Marc Cohn. It was so sweet and beautiful. Thank you Amy! There's a link to listen and the lyrics below.
"Every moment of light and dark is a miracle."
Walt Whitman
http://www.ilike.com/artist/Marc+Cohn/track/The+Things+We%27ve+Handed+Down?src=onebox
Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love
Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down
I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say
And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down
You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
eat pray love
I finally finished the book "Eat Pray Love," by Elizabeth Gilbert, and although I struggled a bit in the middle, I'm glad I read it. To me the message was that we have the ability to change our lives if we want to. We don't have to stay in a sad, empty situation... it doesn't have to be our lot in life. She also wrote about the importance of having an honest and trusting relationship with yourself...on a terribly lonely night in her life she took out her journal and wrote this:
"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
Pretty powerful to have such an intense, deep, and loving relationship with yourself.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
Carl Bard
"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
Pretty powerful to have such an intense, deep, and loving relationship with yourself.
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
Carl Bard
Monday, August 30, 2010
a little help from my friends
I miss my little family today...after a nice weekend of having company, and my tiny snuggle companion. Robbie bought Scarlet "Mary Poppins" so we have been watching a few scenes over and over and over...Scarlet asks the funniest little questions about the movie: "Why is he so crabby?" (Mr. Banks) and "Why did the wind change?"
We had some friends over Friday night ... and I was asking them each what they would do, while on bed rest. The girls replied with movies, books, redecorating ideas, blogs, and shopping. Sounds about right! My friend Dan said he'd read the classics or learn another language...maybe refresh his Spanish. He gave me a pep talk, although I don't think he intended it to be a pep talk... but it stuck with me for some reason. Simply, he said - I know this sucks, but you will have a baby so soon, and you will look back on this time in your life, and remember the peacefulness... and unique time...so maybe take advantage, because before I know it, I will be a busy mom of two. I agreed that I am so lucky to have an amazing end to this bout of solitude, and that there are far worse things I could be told to do.
Saturday came and although weekends are so wonderful and I'm always a bit sad on Monday mornings... they are difficult as well. Robbie has so much on his plate, and Scarlet gets bored playing games in bed with me...Robbie brought me the mail and I got three letters...encouraging me...helping me along. One from his friend Jeff, one from my mom, (who, in the history of all mothers is the very best at sending the letter in the mail) and my sister Julie.
My sister sent an adorable little pair of baby booties and wrote to me.... that years ago (maybe 10) during her birthing class for her son, the instructor talked about having a focal point to get through labor. And although physical labor is much different than my experience on bed rest, it is still a challenge. She hopes that the booties will give me a visual reminder that someday this bed rest really will end, and I'll be able to put those booties on my baby, and that it truly will be worth it! The booties will not leave my side until I take them with me to the hospital!!
It's so amazing how friends and family seem to pick you up right when you really need it. So THANK YOU to so many friends - especially those who forfeit a fun Friday night out to hang out with me on the couch! my sisters, my mom, my brother, my dad for reading my blog! my family. For all of your messages, and encouragement. It truly does help. And of course to my saint of a husband, and sweet Scarlet!
"And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Thursday, August 26, 2010
bed rest day 3,046
I spent the better part of my afternoon being terrified of a squirrel lurking in a tree in my backyard. It was the most stunning end of summer day...just beautiful, and I was really enjoying my book. But this frickin' squirrel was perched above me on the trunk of the tree, looking down at me... ready to pounce! He changed his stance 3 different times until he FINALLY scurried over to a top branch, and like a sweet sweet angel, made a huge jump to my neighbors tree... I was actually really proud of him, until he climbed back down that tree, came BACK INTO MY YARD, and sat staring at me (with fierce eyes) from under a bush!! Needless to say, I may have to reread any chapters that I "read" during the squirrel invasion.
I am nearly 3 weeks into my sentence of bed rest and I am expecting this sort of reprieve... kind of like when you are running, and the first 10 minutes are hard, and then somehow you get in the groove, and your body is used to it...and it just kind of flows from there... at times, dare I say effortlessly? I guess it is a little absurd to compare bed rest to running............................
You could have a million things to do and make a "to do" list as long as you darn well please... but you are still going to get BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND in the same surroundings every single day.
The most ridiculous part about this whole entry is how hard I laughed when I found that image of the squirrel! Oh the little things............
just in case you want a little tune to listen to - copy and paste the link, then click on the 2nd album down... the red one. I thought of this song as the wretched squirrel was baring his fangs.......
http://www.ilike.com/artist/Belle+%2526+Sebastian/track/Get+Me+Away+From+Here%2C+I%27m+Dying
"Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life."
Omar Khayyam
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
whoops-a-daisy
My cervix dropped to 2.2. cm at my appt today. Not the news we wanted to hear. As my Dr. was writing out a prescription for leggings that I have to wear for TWELVE hours a day to help with circulation, and avoid blood clots from inactivity, she said "Let's see now... you are down to ... yes, nothing." As in no activity at all. As in back to bed, kitty. Part of me expected this, but the other half of me had been fantasizing about staying sane through weekly outings. I guess I am going to have to dig deeper for that sanity............
I admit I upped the ante a bit this past week because of the good news from my last 2 appts, but truly, it's not like I was jumping rope. Scary how such a little difference can make such a big impact. I feel so fragile now, so responsible. Our 14 oz baby is not ready to come out yet...
So... bring on the bed sores. Let's do this.
Mason Jennings released a LIVE album which I just downloaded, so that is my good news for today. I would much prefer to be outside in the sunshine running... listening to it on my ipod, wind blowing on my face, soothing my soul in that way. But since I don't have that option, I will accept the only option I have right now... music loud, wind blowing through my window...healthy baby in my belly.
"Life has no limits, if you're not afraid to get in it."
Mason Jennings
I admit I upped the ante a bit this past week because of the good news from my last 2 appts, but truly, it's not like I was jumping rope. Scary how such a little difference can make such a big impact. I feel so fragile now, so responsible. Our 14 oz baby is not ready to come out yet...
So... bring on the bed sores. Let's do this.
Mason Jennings released a LIVE album which I just downloaded, so that is my good news for today. I would much prefer to be outside in the sunshine running... listening to it on my ipod, wind blowing on my face, soothing my soul in that way. But since I don't have that option, I will accept the only option I have right now... music loud, wind blowing through my window...healthy baby in my belly.
"Life has no limits, if you're not afraid to get in it."
Mason Jennings
Friday, August 20, 2010
our best performance
Sometimes I flex my butt while I'm brushing my teeth to maintain a bit of muscle mass... but alas, I think it's a lost cause. The day I was officially put on bed rest, I went straight for the reese's pieces when I got home. I thought - if I'm going down, I'm going down big! Really though, they (the people that know) say that a lot of times you lose weight at first on bed rest because you lose muscle. Fantastic. I haven't gained too much yet, but I can feel her coming.......I'm hoping we can go to the pool this weekend since my Dr. gave the ok to go swimming.
A lot of you have said such nice things about my positive attitude... thank you! That keeps me going. A friend of mine in NY once said to me "Life is not a dress rehearsal." We get one chance here, and I simply cannot spend four months depressed. For Scarlet, for Robbie, and for myself. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I have also made some of the best choices...like giving into love - even though it was inconvenient, costly, and over 1500 miles away......now he is the father of my children.
"Only a few things are really important."
Marie Dressler
Thursday, August 19, 2010
try a little tenderness
I haven't seen the Today's Show in 2 days. It is most tragic! Scarlet has been home sick with a fever... poor little lady. She was really miserable yesterday, but feeling better today. The Dr. said her throat is pretty red but she doesn't have strep. Hopefully she can go to school tomorrow so I can catch up on Days of Our Lives ... is Marlena still the devil?Yesterday, after a good dose of Ibuprofen Scarlet asked me if we could go to the "big mall with the rides." (the mall of america, of course.) I told her we can't because 1. she's sick, and 2. Mommy can't go gallivanting all over the darn city with a short cervix. She said we could get a wheelchair, and she would push me and be really careful not to run into anyone. Years from now this may actually be reality! It’s amazing how parents and children exchange roles later in their lives...once when my back was hurting and I couldn't pick Scarlet up, she told me "Mommy, when I am big, and you are little, I will hold you." Robbie said she is wise beyond her years...
I washed my hair for the first time in a week today. With the money I am saving on parking, beauty products, and new clothes - we are practically making money off of bed rest! My girlfriends have all been so amazing... keeping me company, bringing over magazines and dinner. Elizabeth stopped by today and gave me a few little goodies. The magnet above being one of them... it made me laugh!
Loving Ray LaMontagne and Otis Redding today...
"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
Emily Dickinson
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
three little birds
Another amazing appt. My cervix was 3cm and no funneling…yahoooooooo!! I told the ultrasound tech that I was going to start running again, (she hit me) and I suggested to my Dr. that I should teach classes on bed rest and cervix maintenance. I don’t know if she necessarily disagreed. I may have spent the better part of my high school years on the basketball bench, but bed rest is something I excel at.
So… I am happy. We are happy – so thrilled! It’s taken a long time to be able to feel good about this pregnancy. But we do. My Dr. talks about a hysterectomy often. I think she wants to prepare us for the possibility… she said she’s never done one in her whole career, but my uterus has this way of holding on to things…. And if I am hemorrhaging too much, well, a hysterectomy might be the only option. But – I am going to try not to worry about that now...since it is totally out of my control, and we are focusing on this one little baby … for now.
In a couple of weeks one of our weekly ultrasounds will be done at a smaller office (in the same building as my Dr.) because the usual tech is going on vacation. I hate this other office. It's where I was first diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome. March 17th, 2009. Lucky me. Afterward I called Robbie (quite hysterically) from the car, and of course he told me to calm down and we’d talk about it when I got home. Robbie told me later that when I had called him, he and Scarlet were listening to “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley… but the Elizabeth Mitchell version. “Don’t worry about a thing… 'cause every little thing is gonna be all right.” I remind myself of the pairing of those two happenings often...
I had the most wonderful morning with Scarlet. She stumbled into my room and climbed into bed and snuggled close…she is the world’s best snuggler. Robbie even made a comment the other day how he can’t figure out how we get so close and comfortable - physically. Scarlet and I exchanged “good mornings” after some silent snuggling, then she was ready for her new favorite activity with me… back scratching. I scratched her back and sang her songs …. Over and over by request..."This Little Light of Mine," and "Maybe" from Annie. I thought of my mom and dad and how my mom's back scratches were always light and ticklish... and my dad's were harder but got the itches out. Then I thought of my mom and how I think her and I used to be the world’s best snugglers… and I was so thankful for that precious and lazy time I had with Scarlet this morning.
have a listen...copy & paste the link, then click on the black arrow under Elizabeth Mitchell.
http://www.ilike.com/artist/Elizabeth+Mitchell/track/Three+Little+Birds
So… I am happy. We are happy – so thrilled! It’s taken a long time to be able to feel good about this pregnancy. But we do. My Dr. talks about a hysterectomy often. I think she wants to prepare us for the possibility… she said she’s never done one in her whole career, but my uterus has this way of holding on to things…. And if I am hemorrhaging too much, well, a hysterectomy might be the only option. But – I am going to try not to worry about that now...since it is totally out of my control, and we are focusing on this one little baby … for now.
In a couple of weeks one of our weekly ultrasounds will be done at a smaller office (in the same building as my Dr.) because the usual tech is going on vacation. I hate this other office. It's where I was first diagnosed with Asherman’s Syndrome. March 17th, 2009. Lucky me. Afterward I called Robbie (quite hysterically) from the car, and of course he told me to calm down and we’d talk about it when I got home. Robbie told me later that when I had called him, he and Scarlet were listening to “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley… but the Elizabeth Mitchell version. “Don’t worry about a thing… 'cause every little thing is gonna be all right.” I remind myself of the pairing of those two happenings often...
I had the most wonderful morning with Scarlet. She stumbled into my room and climbed into bed and snuggled close…she is the world’s best snuggler. Robbie even made a comment the other day how he can’t figure out how we get so close and comfortable - physically. Scarlet and I exchanged “good mornings” after some silent snuggling, then she was ready for her new favorite activity with me… back scratching. I scratched her back and sang her songs …. Over and over by request..."This Little Light of Mine," and "Maybe" from Annie. I thought of my mom and dad and how my mom's back scratches were always light and ticklish... and my dad's were harder but got the itches out. Then I thought of my mom and how I think her and I used to be the world’s best snugglers… and I was so thankful for that precious and lazy time I had with Scarlet this morning.
have a listen...copy & paste the link, then click on the black arrow under Elizabeth Mitchell.
http://www.ilike.com/artist/Elizabeth+Mitchell/track/Three+Little+Birds
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
Monday, August 16, 2010
back to the grind
I had to joke about "getting back to the grind" this morning, as Robbie brought me my coffee in bed. Again. I am starting to feel like there is something very important that I am supposed to be learning on this sedentary journey of mine...so I should take advantage of this massive amount of introspection. I feel that I need to accomplish so much in my time on bed rest… like I need to fit it all in, in “just four months.”
I finished the 4th Twilight book - "Breaking Dawn," and started "Eat, Pray, Love." I began putting 2 years worth of photos into albums today, and by the end of the week I may just get my CPA license. It has been a little cooler out the last couple days, thank God. I opened the window in my room today and the breeze is terrific. Feels damn near like a Caribbean vacation for me.
Looking through so many photos lately, I just had to post a couple of our beautiful Scarlet when she was born. Now she is learning Spanish and making up rhymes about poop...time sure does fly.
"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."
Henry David Thoreau
I finished the 4th Twilight book - "Breaking Dawn," and started "Eat, Pray, Love." I began putting 2 years worth of photos into albums today, and by the end of the week I may just get my CPA license. It has been a little cooler out the last couple days, thank God. I opened the window in my room today and the breeze is terrific. Feels damn near like a Caribbean vacation for me.
Looking through so many photos lately, I just had to post a couple of our beautiful Scarlet when she was born. Now she is learning Spanish and making up rhymes about poop...time sure does fly.
"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."
Henry David Thoreau
Friday, August 13, 2010
all is calm, all is bright
I heard “Silent Night” today and burst into tears. I have never in my whole entire life wanted the holiday season upon me more than I want it this year. I can’t wait for the leaves to change color… I can’t wait to wear my sumo wrestler costume…I can’t wait for the snow. Not only to be done with bed rest, but to have a healthy baby. To have that part over with – the labor part - and hope that I can give birth and keep my uterus intact, and be on to the part where I am up all night, exhausted, overwhelmed, cursing breastfeeding, but looking at our precious baby.
Christmas 2008, as I put away our Christmas decorations and stockings, I prayed that I would be pregnant or have a baby the next Christmas. Christmas 2009 came and I bought an ornament to keep me going… a symbol in place of the baby that I didn’t have… because I did have something else. I had HOPE. Something about that ornament gave me strength, and although I cried because there were still only 3 stockings, I tried hard to have faith that the 4th would arrive… someday.
I can’t wait to hear the car door slam tonight and have Scarlet run into my room and tell me all about her day… it is surely the best part of mine.
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
Henry Ellis
Thursday, August 12, 2010
sunlight
Last weekend after dinner, I came to lie back in my bed, and for a mere second I saw this vision of me being active - like it was in the near future - next week or something. And then I remembered- no, no - this thing is not over yet. You have over FOUR MONTHS to go! An entire season of my life. Fall 2010 will be spent gazing out my window monitoring crow activity. A quarter of a year spent being merely a vessel. I have a pretty positive attitude about it all, but really - it's a hell of a long time.So today I went a little crazy... a little wild. Yes, I ate lunch outside. I mean, I can't eat lying down anyway, so what's the difference. It was glorious even if it was 95 degrees. It did wonders for my mental state. Then my jumpy neighbor started mowing his lawn and ruined it.
I am officially 19 wks today. Hooray! only 119 days left of bed rest. Yikes.
I kind of wish I wouldn't have calculated that. It's way too early to make a chain out of construction paper. My sister Julie thinks "Cerclage" should be in the running for baby names. I was thinking it does have a nice ring as a middle name......very prestigious.
Julia Roberts is on Oprah tomorrow. Just sayin'.
are you bored yet? because we have a long way to go.....................
"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight."
Benjamin Franklin
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
bed rest ROCKS!
We had our 19 week appt and level 2 ultrasound with the high risk ob today. It was amazing! The pictures are so real and cute to us, but a little creepy/alien/dinosaur-ish, so I will post a normal one next week.
So on top of hearing that the baby appears to be healthy and normal (!) my cervix measurement went up to 3cm, (this is considered normal. 2.5 and under is concerning) and there was no funneling today. Apparently the bed rest is paying off!!
I thought I'd post a couple of diagrams, as I know it is all confusing, and well - who doesn't need to brush up on their cervix knowledge! In the second diagram, the image that says early effacement is an example of funneling, which was a big concern for us last week. (My cervix measurement at 12 wks was 3cm, 2.3cm at 16wks, cerclage at 17 wks, 2.5cm at 18wks, and 3cm at 19wks.)
We are so thrilled with our good news today, and I plan to keep up the good work. The Dr. advised that I should go swimming a couple of times a week to help with losing muscle mass. Glorious!
Robbie is doing an amazing job of taking care of us. We keep joking that now is not a good time for him to need a hip replacement or something. We cannot afford for him to go down! Scarlet is being a good girl and loves to give the baby kisses. Today she asked "when the baby comes out of your tummy, will you be able to play with me again?" heartbreaking! I reminded her that we do still play but I just can't run around with her. Truly we've been able to spend a lot of time together playing games, coloring, watching cartoons, undressing barbies, having barbies ice skate naked.......... she is a curious child, and will be a fantastic big sister!
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave."
Rainer Maria Rilke
So on top of hearing that the baby appears to be healthy and normal (!) my cervix measurement went up to 3cm, (this is considered normal. 2.5 and under is concerning) and there was no funneling today. Apparently the bed rest is paying off!!
I thought I'd post a couple of diagrams, as I know it is all confusing, and well - who doesn't need to brush up on their cervix knowledge! In the second diagram, the image that says early effacement is an example of funneling, which was a big concern for us last week. (My cervix measurement at 12 wks was 3cm, 2.3cm at 16wks, cerclage at 17 wks, 2.5cm at 18wks, and 3cm at 19wks.)
We are so thrilled with our good news today, and I plan to keep up the good work. The Dr. advised that I should go swimming a couple of times a week to help with losing muscle mass. Glorious!
Robbie is doing an amazing job of taking care of us. We keep joking that now is not a good time for him to need a hip replacement or something. We cannot afford for him to go down! Scarlet is being a good girl and loves to give the baby kisses. Today she asked "when the baby comes out of your tummy, will you be able to play with me again?" heartbreaking! I reminded her that we do still play but I just can't run around with her. Truly we've been able to spend a lot of time together playing games, coloring, watching cartoons, undressing barbies, having barbies ice skate naked.......... she is a curious child, and will be a fantastic big sister!
"Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave."
Rainer Maria Rilke
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
birthday cocktail
I've already declared what my 35th birthday drink will be...frozen blueberry VODKA lemonade. Sun shining. On a boat. Jumping up and down simply because I can - with no mention of my weakened cervix or scarred uterus. I was pregnant last year on my birthday too so I deserve a celebratory cocktail. Or six.
Listening to the song "Hey Soul Sister" today, the line "the smell of you in every single dream I dream..." hit me, and I thought of this beautiful baby growing in me, and how it has been two years now since we started trying for this second child...and truly - this baby has been in nearly every dream, every breath we've taken, every movement that Robbie and I have made. One more. One more is all I ask for...for now.
"Dreams are necessary to life."
- Anais Nin
Monday, August 9, 2010
bed rest day 4
At least I don't have to poop in a pan... I mean honestly, people have to do that on bed rest. I keep reminding myself of the positives... the good things, the things I should be thankful for - and there are so many.
I'm hesitant to start a blog because I don't want the 6 people that read it to think that I am declaring that my life is in the most terrible state, that I am anybody particularly special, or that I really have anything all that interesting to say. The uterus & cervix talk can get quite exhausting after all. But - since I am spending ALL DAY in bed, I am going to write about it anyway...so I thought I'd put some fancy flowers around it.
It's day 4, and after my birthday weekend, a pile of magazines, 2 good books to look forward to, and a new subscription to netflix, I have to say that I am not crying about it.
Of course I do have a ways to go...Due date 1/6. Bed rest should last until 36 wks - mid December - when I get my cerclage out. Sweet Jesus.
I'm hesitant to start a blog because I don't want the 6 people that read it to think that I am declaring that my life is in the most terrible state, that I am anybody particularly special, or that I really have anything all that interesting to say. The uterus & cervix talk can get quite exhausting after all. But - since I am spending ALL DAY in bed, I am going to write about it anyway...so I thought I'd put some fancy flowers around it.
It's day 4, and after my birthday weekend, a pile of magazines, 2 good books to look forward to, and a new subscription to netflix, I have to say that I am not crying about it.
Of course I do have a ways to go...Due date 1/6. Bed rest should last until 36 wks - mid December - when I get my cerclage out. Sweet Jesus.
“It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)